Yesterday was a pretty mediocre day {Sighs} I ate after 23pm {GASP!} I never reached my 5k steps, but I done gardening; weeding & planting up seedlings. So yeah I done the equivalent in exercise, if not more, it takes some effort to weed whilst bending & squatting. I had a splitting head ache & tooth ache, so I felt pretty ‘Ugh!’…
Anyway…Today is a whole new day, a fresh new day to eat more healthy & reach my 5k step target, as well as finish planting up seedlings. Soooo! many seedlings; lots of lovely free plants, but its June 2nd & my plants are still tiny & far from blooming, then again with this sun & the rain we have coming, everything should take off in double quick time…
Still nothing from Fetlife. Shows you how much things have changed. It used to be so much easier to find a Dom, when I started out in the scene 12 years ago. I was inundated by messages, from the moment I appeared as a newbie. I think all the women moaning & complaining about the harassment from the cold callers has worked. Then it was receive 60+ messages, sift through all 60+…maaaaybe carry on with one or two, but then come out with nothing, because blokes tend to like instant ‘Meet?…No?’ Gone!
Actually getting to know a woman appears to be beyond them, its like…If they walked up to a woman in a pub & said ‘I want to spank you’ & she reacted ‘Feck off perv’ so he goes around the whole pub, until some desperate woman agrees to risk her safety on some Jerk, she knows nothing about…Well. It seems they finally got it…
Which means trying to find a new Dom on line, is POINTLESS!!! I need to go to a party, preferably with my husband, otherwise a woman on her own ‘Domless’ can pretty much be treated like ‘Just an arse’ & I don’t mean ‘arsehole’ as in not a very nice person…
I’m waffling! As in waffling on. Not my name is waffling, lol…
I found a new site, which has got ad’s from Dom guy’s…but…So impersonal & it is the same old same old attitude that we want to meet a complete stranger for a casual ‘attitude adjusting, punishment’ for…say…not losing X lb’s…Or we got moody when we was menstruating. Or we got pee’d off at some wanna be Master, or we don’t like creepy blokes, or we feel utter despair that the perv’s have taken over the scene & we can’t actually meet a real Dom…
{Sighs}
I have literally been looking at how to spank myself & I might as well go into fantasy ‘write stories’ for myself land…If I went to a party would it feel the same way? When talking to my friend, who I used to go to parties with, I was remembering bad experiences. I said ‘I am talking myself out of it’…
I think I do need to remember…but I do need to find a way to get my fix. My husband is not into it. It does nothing for him. I can feel it does nothing for him, so it reduces it to just…well…nothingness, boringness…It is a lot about feeling…I don’t think blokes get this. They’re all ‘Women are bitchy, I can teach her a lesson, take her down a peg or two’…To them it is all about punishing, mentoring, discipline, demeaning, belittling, putting the over emotional bitch in her place…
Right. I have talked myself back out of it…I am going to start writing stories & create what I am looking for. When I was with my ‘then’ Dom. I had a fantasy ‘melodrama’ going on in my head, it helped me sleep. I would message him & tell him ‘you gave me a virtual spanking last night’…he liked that…Apparently I was ‘The one’…but he only realised that after I finished with him, because I got pee’d off with the grief his fwends gave me…Such is life…No wonder so many border line abusers exist in the scene, because the women are providing the proof that they are right…Jeeze!
I remember meeting this man at a party. We got on, we had a good conversation, he never pushed himself on me, or just talked to me, to get me, or expected to play with me, because HE! used his ‘precious hunting bottom’s’ time to make small talk…I remember when I sat near him he felt ‘Freeeezing!’ cold. As in I was cold & I’m not a cold person, I’m usually having a hot flush…Anyway it turns out he is a widow. I said to my friend ‘I think his wife was there with him’…He was soooo! Brrrrr!!!
Anyway…years later he contacts me, we get on, we exchange messages, he suggests we arrange to meet in 7 months time, so basically we get to know each other {Most **nkers don’t give a woman 7 minutes, unless it is to talk dirty}…Then it went down hill from that moment on & he turned into a control freak bloke, who wanted to talk down to me, patronise me, be a condescending d**kwad…It was naughty girl this, young lady that, you have earned a spanking, you’re trying to earn a spanking…’Does your husband know you are talking to men……..’ He lost me from the moment he started the cliché ‘Master!’ crap!
My marriage is none of his business, so I ignored him, I was not about to discuss my marriage with him. I was trying {Very trying} to get across to him, that I am not looking for someone to train me, control me…Talk about ignore everything I said & use it to patronise me…In the end I gave up trying to get through to him, that I am not looking for a on line narcissist to virtually abuse me…Real life still applies…Talk to me as an equal, as a friend, treat me with respect. Don’t patronise me, matey…
This is what I am up against…
Wow! How can I resist…& pay for the abuse…How to destroy your self confidence in a few hours. Meet a ‘strick’ Mr Morgan type…I despair! {Shudders!}
I’m aware that I am fussy…but…I have been through the narcissist emotional abuse, when I first joined the scene. My first ever Dom. He set out to screw me up. It was a game to him…’Karma!’ got him…
I seem to have evolved from blogging about my ‘Healthy eating’ weight loss journey, to moaning & groaning about the scene I was in…There is only so much you can say about healthy eating & weight loss. Personally I feel my recent GAIN! lots of weight, is since going through crap in the scene & finishing with my ‘then’ Dom of 7+ years. The thing is I deleted my private blog, which was where my negative thoughts went to be aired, dealt with, then leave it there. I think I need another ‘negative crappy thoughts’ blog…
Is it worth thinking about…Or blogging about…Hmmmm!
Sophisticated derriere 