Posted in Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Self hypnosis

Self!

I am interested in psychology, visualisation, the power of our own mind, how our brain works. So I was looking into neural pathways…

 

brain-neurons_849_990x742
3d neuron

 

The human brain may contain up to one trillion neurons. These nerve cells are interconnected, as shown in this microscopic image, so that they can transmit electrical impulses—and information—to other cells.

Apparently our brain also clears away unused neurons…

So this is me clearing away the old & creating the new…Can we literally change the way we think by trusting our brain to create new pathways? Aka neural path ways…

There is so much about personality disorders, depression, etc. Is it possible to learn new ways of thinking, just by making the effort to change the way we think. As in ‘I see that in myself’ then learn new ways around that negativity…

I know positive thinking works. I know visualisation works. I have proved this to my self many times. I have suffered from depression in the past. I literally hit rock bottom, then found a way to clamber my way out of that deep treacherous dark cavon of despair, through self ‘cognitive therapy’ I never realised what I was doing, until I looked up CBT…

So ‘Cognitive behaviour therapy’ is like creating new neural pathways in our brain? That makes a lot of sense to me…

Obviously you have to put the effort in & you do have to learn ways to let go of certain negative thoughts. I have got this aggravating {aggravating to me} long memory. I can remember details from as far back as when I was 2. I remember near enough every negative thing in my past life. Those thoughts, those so called memories, would just POP! right in my head…Ugh! I have learned to think ‘STOP! thinking’ & distract myself…

The other week I had what I now realise was a panic attack. It dawned on me…’I was having panic attacks’ all these years, but I taught myself coping strategies. If I allow myself to think deeply about something which hurts me, it can lead to so called anxiety & stress…

Taking the myer brigs personality test…I took it 4-5 times, to be sure that I really am a INFJ…OMFG! It is the best thing I ever done for myself. Apparently us INFJ’s are rare; only 1% of the population. When I started reading all I could on my INFJ personality. It was like a light went on & a heavy burden was lifted off me…The burden of ‘Disliking myself’ Of criticising myself. Of self loathing…I am a pretty special person, now I actually like myself…when I spent years thinking I was a horrible, bad, unlikable person…

INFJ (introversion, intuition, feeling, judging) is an initialism used in the publications of the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to refer to one of the sixteen personality types. The MBTI assessment was developed from the work of prominent psychiatrist Carl Jung in his book Psychological Types.

I’m still unlikeable to the mainstream peeps, but who cares…

I know of at least 4 people with personality disorders. A narcissist, borderline personality & 2 histrionic peeps…I have taken the personality disorder tests as well. I took the test as ‘Nervous break down me’ &…well…me! Nervous break down me was bordering on border line personality disorder…but…I don’t need attention, or have a break down at what I perceive as rejection…

Nuff said for now…I am going to build some more neural pathways, lol…Or just ‘Read!’…

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Indoor Garden, Life as a submissive/spankee, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk

Is it possible to reprogram your mind?

Mind over matter?

Three photo’s of my indoor garden…I love my plants. The colours, the contrast, the various shapes, sizes & textures. They are ‘Glorious!’ {Smiles}

I thought I would do some research on the benefits of indoor gardening…

Starting with the tree hugger

  • They give an assist in breathing

My breathing is particully bad…{250 lung capacity} So any natural help is much appreciated…

  • They help deter illness

We have not put the heating on yet this year, but when we do. I will have purer, more humid air. I might need to water more often? I will look that up…

  • They clean the air

“Yaaay!”

  • They boost healing

Well my houseplants certainly make me feel good…So I am more relaxed, calm, a soothing contentedness every time I look at my plants…

  • They help you work better

Maybe I should find myself a cosy hidey corner. Surround myself with more plants, more plants is always best when it comes to plants…& start writing my fantasy spankee stories…’Mmmm!’ bamboo, willow ‘Birch’…lol…{That just confused any vanilla folks}

See…my sub/spankee self is still here. She will never go away, she is a huge part of who I am. I just need to keep working towards a way I can be my sub/spankee self & not be aggravated by the dreaded…Ugh! scene!…I might put a self imposed ban on myself using that word. First I need to get it out of my system…

I hate the scene with a vengeance…

The scene is full of weirdo, freak, chancers, perv’s, creepy perv’s, attention seeking, emotionally insecure, controlling, arrogant, nasty, malicious, vindictive, gossiping, back stabbing, cliquey, obnoxious, rude, ignorant, bullying, insensitive ‘Jerks!’ FROM HELL!!!

Right! I got that out of my system. Now ‘Let it go!’…Move on…Create my own sub/spankee life, through writing ‘fantasy’ stories & forget the real life screwed up ‘scene’…

The END!

From now on. If I mention that word. Or blog about that which can no longer be named…I will write a short fantasy story…Not that I want my mind to associate my writing fantasy, with the negative thoughts I have about the whatsitsface…No, mind…I am just training myself to put my sub/spankee thoughts to good use…

Wait! One more time ‘Scene!’

The ban starts now…………………………………………………………………………………

Posted in Life as a submissive/spankee, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk

“Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it”

So I made a huge decision last night. NO MORE! sub me. Well obviously sub/spankee me is there…but she is going to be sent to the corner of my subconscious mind…I don’t like the scene. I don’t like the mentality of the scene. Meeting a decent Dom/spanker is basically few & far between. That is often tainted by the ‘Community of lovely, like minded’ mentality {Rolls my eyes}

Obviously that is a people trait…Community! Everyone knows your business. Lots of kissing up, lots of gossiping & back stabbing, lots of smarmy, fake nice-ness. When in reality, people are only interested in themselves. That sounds cynical? Everyone is ‘Lovely!’ ‘Wonderful!’ You should see the good in everyone? Yeah! Right! Grow up buttercup!

I don’t like groups of people. I like individuals…I don’t like someone treating me as part of a community, rather then ‘Myself!’…That sounds weird? Probably is, because people in general do need a community of people, but then again they also need attention, approval, to be the centre of attention…Mind you, that would be more extrovert peeps, then introverts…

All this ‘One set of actions & values fit all’…That is…Well not particully the right way to be…That sounds negative? Maybe to some, to me it is being realistic. If I was to meet someone; use their name, ask them questions about themselves, allow them to talk about themselves, smile, look interested in what they have to say. Do the odd giggle for whatever, use small talk, brat, whatever!

I’m wrong? As I said. I like individuals. I like conversation. I prefer the so called black sheep. The people communities types often judge, I prefer those people to the conforming community of ‘Lovely, like minded’ peeps…A lot of the time, the lovely peeps, well they’re judging, bitching, slagging you off behind your back…

I try to see things from another persons point of view…Their individual point of view, not their ‘Fitting in’ conforming point of view…Its like one person who was a c*** to me. I just blocked her, so she can’t see me {I hope!} & I can’t see her {Phew!} They think she’s lovely, fun-fun-FUN! I feel she is a manipulative, vindictive, jealous, insecure person, with mental health issues. She has not had a particully good life, so I can understand her actions to a certain extent…but…Every other person in the community takes on her ‘Emotionally’ insecure ‘victim’ mentality as the truth…NO! PEOPLE! Think for yourself…

I would be her friend. I would find her personality quite endearing…but she hates me, through no thought of my own, other then being myself. Myself is ‘Reserved!’ Keeps myself to myself. Ignores, rises above, puts a smile on myself & enjoys what I’m doing…but I am very quiet, I am a introvert. I do get on better with individuals, I do get on better with men, because men in general, are more interested in the sub/spankee me, then how much loveliness I could lavish them with…Though, if a woman tells them not to go near someone…Dom or not, they do as they’re told, lol…

I want to leave all that behind. I’m bored with it going over & over in my mind. When all I want to do is get on with everyone, be nice, treat everyone with respect, but there they are, the lovelies, being judgy, bitchy, gossipy, not so lovely people, but it seems ‘like minded’…If you make an effort. You make friends. It is assumed my quietness is ‘Not effort!’…Me, I feel people should just be themselves & accept others for who they are. I accept those people for who they are, but I don’t accept the way they treat others, or me come to think of it, though I’m used to it, after years of being ‘Me!’ a introvert in a world where we have to be extrovert to fit in…

Yeah! I could act. I could just talk {If my mind did not go blank} I could listen to respond, rather then listen to understand. I could just talk bollocks. I have listened to group peeps. I’m sorry, but they just ‘Talk!’ talk-talk-talk ‘Laugh!’ but they’re not actually talking about anything interesting, its just words…Or gossip. Gossip keeps the words flowing, lol…

One of my good friends. He can talk for Ireland…but he talks about stuff, he does not just babble & giggle. It is conversation. Very fast conversation, but conversation non the less. He gets on with everyone…He has literally been told not to talk to a certain person…I assumed it was me, but I could not be arsed to press him for more info {Yawns!} Of course he likes me, so he spoke to me anyway…

Another good friend. He can talk for England, lol…but he talks. He has a conversation. He is a really friendly guy, just like my Irish friend. I get on really well with this friend. Even though he is the scenes most hated & black listed…{Grins} I’m grinning, but his quite hurt by it. He is black listed through gossip & a Ex from over a decade ago. See vindictive. There is no need for it. Why the need to destroy people, to destroy reputations, just because they had a relationship which broke up…Jeeze!

I have this as well & over a decade ago…Strange creatures that these clique people are…It sounds personal? Probably is, but this is the mentality I am talking about…Ohh! Ranting! Right!…Its strange how people giving a negative opinion on some negativity they disagree with, is ‘Ranting!’…{Shrugs!}

Oh! Yeah! That ‘Talk for England’ friend. He does have a tendency to give as good as he gets, but MORE! He points out their flaws, they as a ‘Community’ gang up on him, lol…

I am going to stop now…

I am starting the steps towards ‘Absolutely!’ no more scene…I want to focus more on my other, more interesting interests. Like gardening, my indoor garden, mosaic, tarot reading, visualisation, psychology, blogging, my own peace of mind, my family, etc.

 

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Opinion, Paul Mckenna I Can Make You Thin., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

ONE! Does not need the hassle from douchebags…

I woke up feeling slightly depressed today, its like something is about to happen, which I know I won’t like. I don’t think my wilted sunflowers helped, so I gave them a good soak, its lovely now the sun is here, but soooo! much watering plants ‘Ugh!’

I got the ‘Well you’ve failed on yet another diet’ vibes from my husband & I feel like slapping him around the head with the Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ book, because I’m past explaining myself. He would say ‘I know how much it makes you depressed’. Yes being fat makes me feel ‘Ugh!’…but it is more my lack of energy which makes me feel down…

My INFJ brain is playing up. Probably one of my weaknesses. Where I start to pick up on someone taking the pee, being passive aggressive sarky, but then I’m left thinking ‘is it me?’ am I over reacting. I think he is just trying to be funny, but to me its not really funny, its sarcastic, I don’t particularly warm to sarcastic people, I find them quite rude & antagonistic. Face to face I just laugh, but Inside I’m left thinking ‘Rude!’

This site I’m co building. I noticed there was green on some, a few amber, too many red to feel comfortable, apparently it is to do with the readability,  analysis, which is basically traffic lights. I have been trying to tweak all the red & amber posts, to turn them green. I really wanted to keep the site down until all these things were ironed out…

…but…’Grrrr!!!’…I won’t moan. It makes me sound like a bitch, lol…

I am having great fun in Fetlife. I am trying to comment in the different groups I have joined, I am also trying to keep up with responding to messages. Hmmm! The sarcasm, the use of ‘I’ {Rolls my eyes} We’re exchanging messages, now emails to get to know each other, so he wrote in this weird confusing way, which made me wonder if he was drunk…& he kept putting {showing off} after every few weird sentences. I was ‘Eh?’ Please, mate! Stop!

Yeesss! There is a lot of ‘I’ I am not going to write in the whateverperson…One, one? what is that about, I read it like I was slurring my words. Why the need for total perfection, that you start to be a sarcastic old git, patronising me instead of talking to me. As new sub me, new improved SOD the tosser’s…I am taking those people out of my life straight away, I don’t need that kind of hassle in my life, there are far more important things to worry about…

Not that I worry about much these days. I learned not to worry ‘One learned not to worry’ {Tw*t!} The thing is. That is some minor & mundane, not worth thinking about, but I don’t want to waste my time with someone I know will eventually really start to irritate…

Ohh! Yes!…I also blocked someone on my Fetlife account. I dare say the first of many to come. Sorry ‘One dare says’…Ohhh! FECK OFF!!! This man was the typical Domly Dom ‘cliche’ Me Master, you mere female slave. I know I made a mistake loving one of his pictures he had a shared, it was just a punny meme…

Basically the bloke is a douchebag. He wanted to discuss my desires, but it was more of a demand then a opening for conversation. I was very polite, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, then he started frantically waving red flags at me. I definitely don’t need his type in my life ever again. One narcissistic, emotional abuser is quite enough thank you very much…

My new sub approach…Never try to explain to a patronising, passive aggressive A hole, especially when being polite, tactful, diplomatic, friendly & still the douchebag gets all passive aggressive anal…Just saying…

 

Posted in Motivation., Pep Talk, Weight Tracker

3 inches in 4 weeks – My sub life is doing pretty good as well…

In four weeks, I have lost around 4 lbs {Give or take 0.25 lb} & dropped 3 inches off my waist/tummy. That is pretty good going. I am doing amazingly, fantastically, tremendously, fabulously well…

My subbie come back is doing just as well. Its weird. I have got a new FL & Bs account…Two of my oldest scene friends know it is me. Another old friend who used to come to the parties I hosted at my house, he messaged me on my original account, asking if it was me, but there was no mention of chatting, or play…

Then I receive another message from him on my new account. I have not told him who I am just yet…Why? Because he sent me a long personal, detailed, getting to know me message, based on my profile. I have learned more about him, he has noticed more about me. So the way he was with me before was based on the gossip started by my first Ex Dom…Hmmm! Interesting…

I know he is looking for a sub/spankee to play with. I know our friendship will be based on how much we play. How long is he willing to keep chatting? I have already decided that I want to drop another 6 inches off my waist/tummy before I play again…

The thing is…this time I have got a fresh start, a clean slate, the opportunity to create my own reputation, not be stuck with the reputation my first Ex Dom tarnished me with. I remember the reputation he tarnished another one of his Ex sub’s with. He made her out to be thick & a trouble maker, when I met her, I found she was far from thick, she was actually quite intelligent, she certainly talked sense about our him…She was no trouble maker, she was just extrovert & swore like a sailor. I say ‘was’ because she left the scene in the end…

Anyway…I remember him being obsessed with the ‘reputation’ thing. He found that he could give people a bad reputation through spreading malicious rumours. Hmmm! Not a nice person…

Part of me thinks…He is a gossip, he is the trouble maker. If he works out that my new account is me, he will take great pleasure in letting everyone who will listen {The majority} know that it is me, then he will add more nasty, malicious gossip…I actually feel quite nervous…but…If that happens I will just do what I done before…Take a break from all the drama. Hopefully by then I will have proved myself to at least a few decent Dom’s & still have at least one Dom to play with. Though will he treat me accordingly…

Actually my second Ex Dom, who I was in a D/s relationship with for 7+ years, was warned about me, lol…He ignored them, but he did treat me accordingly…Everything is falling into place now. I get it now…Poor sad, mentally ill narcissist, it must be terrible living in his emotionally retarded head…So many years wasted…Why did not not just leave years ago, then come back as someone new, meeting non gossiping, clique peeps…

He would soooo get a thrill from knowing that he has that much power over me…Has he got power over me? Only if I let him. I will not stoop to his level. I could spread malicious gossip about him, but I’m not a malicious gossip. I believe ‘What goes around, comes around’…I believe he got his karma…

Everything is going to work out for the best…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Twenty Seven – More Of My Rambling Subbie Thoughts…

Yesterday was a ‘Good enough!’ diet day. No picking all day, no binging after my red wine. So a good enough diet day. I was just doing some squats whilst my coffee was expressing it self…

From today it is going to be focusing all my mind energy ‘motivation’ on getting my garden finished. Which means more coffee, find the crow bar, clear the first bit of rotten decking I am taking up, the part I fell through, then more coffee…

A friend of mine, I know in the scene, we met over ten years ago & have sort of been on line friends for a while. He sent me a friend request. Ohhh! Sugar. Was that really him? I didn’t even question him, I just accepted…{Goes off to check…}

Seems legit…Anyway…As I was about to say. My friend from the scene. He is the Britishspanking/Ouch .com most hated. Even more hated then me, which is saying something, lol…No not really, I’m not that bad, I am only hated by a few, supposedly laughed at by the clique bitches. Not that I have done anything to deserve it. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it. If you are a quiet, introvert, who does not kiss up, you end up being taken the pee out of, by the typical bitches…

I digress…My friend ‘The most hated!’…He points out their flaws. He basically say’s what me & my friend think & feel, but we keep it to our selves. I can’t be arsed to use my energy on a bunch of people, being typical people, typical as in ‘group behaviour’…’Clique behaviour’…Here lies my problem, see ‘laughable’ I say things like that, instead of kissing up…

Why am I even bothering to blog this negative BS…Ummm! Probably because my friend decided to come back & add me to yet another Facebook group ‘groans’…I am not a group person, I don’t do groups, I don’t do ‘group politics’ I don’t do group bickering, group bitching, group bullying, group cliques…I do like independent, individual, logical thinkers, who are ‘Themselves’…who can think for themselves…

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I used to chat to my friend quite a lot…We even tried to create a new site for people who need a new alternative to the clique mentality. Especially as at the time there was a particully nasty, bullying bitch in the forum, attacking people who did not think like her. She has real mental health issues, which is sad, but she was allowed too much power in the forum. In other words she was not being moderated & was often attacking people & causing drama…I stayed in the back ground as a lurker. Its safer to lurk, if you don’t need the incessant drama…

NotMyCircus

Mind you I did find their bickering bitch-fest quite entertaining. Though it was none of our business. I enjoyed seeing her being put in her place, but then she would get nastier & place the victim card & her clique arse lickers would appear to defend her. Who needs EastEnders when you have got the britishspanking forum…

I digressed again…My friend. He started to make me ‘Grrrr!!!’ when he {Male age play sub} decided that he was going to Dom me. I’m thinking ‘I don’t do being DOM’D!’…I especially don’t do being DOM’D! by a sub who is less then perfect. Here I am a happily married woman for 25 years. Four kids, a grand child & he wants to DOM! me…Feck off, matey. I don’t need that patronising, condescending, often assuming, because he is arrogant enough to believe that ‘Quiet introvert’ me is a empty headed, over sensitive, emotional being…Ugh! ‘Groans!’…

Firstly Quiet introvert peeps are actually quite strong minded. It is all going on in our heads. We think a lot & I mean a LOT!

I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need attention. I do need to be treated with respect. So he assumes I have got something under my skin, because I talk about it. I assume he is a condescending jerk, because he starts talking about it, then concludes that I am talking about it, therefore I must have it under my skin & I’m ‘Groans!’ FOR FECK SAKE! MAN!…LISTEN!

Another thing us introverts do. We listen. We listen to hear, not as the saying goes ‘listen to reply’ therefore not actually listening to understand. Hence my slowness in a conversation when trying to chat to an extrovert. I’m listening, thinking, responding. We often get talked over. It can be a tad boring…

So my friend ‘pee’d me off’ in the end, because he just would not listen…”I am not into being Dom’d” He carried on trying to Dom me. “I am a sub” He carried on making comments about me doing him & I’m thinking ‘I am not going to waste my energy, my time, my brain cells, because I would feel like crap afterwards, especially if it was in my home, after the past crap I have put up with…that is another blog post…

I can’t stand people who jump to conclusions, don’t listen, then dump their negative assumptions on me. I feel VERY! defensive when someone does that to me. I had some bad experiences in the scene, with a narcissistic A hole. My friend knew this narcissist before I did, he had dealing’s with him. I did not know the half of it. Of course I only had my so called Dom’s side {The narcissist} My friend was also in a bad D/s relationship, he feels it screwed him up…{That is another blog post & more his business then mine}

I am going to shut up now, I need coffee, then it is cupboard excavation time {Yaaakes!} I may be a long time & need many cups of coffee…{Mind you, I only have 4-5 small cups of coffee each day, I am not that much of a coffee addict, lol}

Right! I’m going…

 

 

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Exercise, Fitness Tracker, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk

Day Twenty Four – Here We Go Again…

Yesterday was a pretty mediocre day {Sighs} I ate after 23pm {GASP!} I never reached my 5k steps, but I done gardening; weeding & planting up seedlings. So yeah I done the equivalent in exercise, if not more, it takes some effort to weed whilst bending & squatting. I had a splitting head ache & tooth ache, so I felt pretty ‘Ugh!’…

Anyway…Today is a whole new day, a fresh new day to eat more healthy & reach my 5k step target, as well as finish planting up seedlings. Soooo! many seedlings; lots of lovely free plants, but its June 2nd & my plants are still tiny & far from blooming, then again with this sun & the rain we have coming, everything should take off in double quick time…

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Still nothing from Fetlife. Shows you how much things have changed. It used to be so much easier to find a Dom, when I started out in the scene 12 years ago. I was inundated by messages, from the moment I appeared as a newbie. I think all the women moaning & complaining about the harassment from the cold callers has worked. Then it was receive 60+ messages, sift through all 60+…maaaaybe carry on with one or two, but then come out with nothing, because blokes tend to like instant ‘Meet?…No?’ Gone!

Actually getting to know a woman appears to be beyond them, its like…If they walked up to a woman in a pub & said ‘I want to spank you’ & she reacted ‘Feck off perv’ so he goes around the whole pub, until some desperate woman agrees to risk her safety on some Jerk, she knows nothing about…Well. It seems they finally got it…

Which means trying to find a new Dom on line, is POINTLESS!!! I need to go to a party, preferably with my husband, otherwise a woman on her own ‘Domless’ can pretty much be treated like ‘Just an arse’ & I don’t mean ‘arsehole’ as in not a very nice person…

I’m waffling! As in waffling on. Not my name is waffling, lol…

I found a new site, which has got ad’s from Dom guy’s…but…So impersonal & it is the same old same old attitude that we want to meet a complete stranger for a casual ‘attitude adjusting, punishment’ for…say…not losing X lb’s…Or we got moody when we was menstruating. Or we got pee’d off at some wanna be Master, or we don’t like creepy blokes, or we feel utter despair that the perv’s have taken over the scene & we can’t actually meet a real Dom…

{Sighs}

I have literally been looking at how to spank myself & I might as well go into fantasy ‘write stories’ for myself land…If I went to a party would it feel the same way? When talking to my friend, who I used to go to parties with, I was remembering bad experiences. I said ‘I am talking myself out of it’…

I think I do need to remember…but I do need to find a way to get my fix. My husband is not into it. It does nothing for him. I can feel it does nothing for him, so it reduces it to just…well…nothingness, boringness…It is a lot about feeling…I don’t think blokes get this. They’re all ‘Women are bitchy, I can teach her a lesson, take her down a peg or two’…To them it is all about punishing, mentoring, discipline, demeaning, belittling, putting the over emotional bitch in her place…

Right. I have talked myself back out of it…I am going to start writing stories & create what I am looking for. When I was with my ‘then’ Dom. I had a fantasy ‘melodrama’ going on in my head, it helped me sleep. I would message him & tell him ‘you gave me a virtual spanking last night’…he liked that…Apparently I was ‘The one’…but he only realised that after I finished with him, because I got pee’d off with the grief his fwends gave me…Such is life…No wonder so many border line abusers exist in the scene, because the women are providing the proof that they are right…Jeeze!

I remember meeting this man at a party. We got on, we had a good conversation, he never pushed himself on me, or just talked to me, to get me, or expected to play with me, because HE! used his ‘precious hunting bottom’s’ time to make small talk…I remember when I sat near him he felt ‘Freeeezing!’ cold. As in I was cold & I’m not a cold person, I’m usually having a hot flush…Anyway it turns out he is a widow. I said to my friend ‘I think his wife was there with him’…He was soooo! Brrrrr!!!

Anyway…years later he contacts me, we get on, we exchange messages, he suggests we arrange to meet in 7 months time, so basically we get to know each other {Most **nkers don’t give a woman 7 minutes, unless it is to talk dirty}…Then it went down hill from that moment on & he turned into a control freak bloke, who wanted to talk down to me, patronise me, be a condescending d**kwad…It was naughty girl this, young lady that, you have earned a spanking, you’re trying to earn a spanking…’Does your husband know you are talking to men……..’ He lost me from the moment he started the cliché ‘Master!’ crap!

My marriage is none of his business, so I ignored him, I was not about to discuss my marriage with him. I was trying {Very trying} to get across to him, that I am not looking for someone to train me, control me…Talk about ignore everything I said & use it to patronise me…In the end I gave up trying to get through to him, that I am not looking for a on line narcissist to virtually abuse me…Real life still applies…Talk to me as an equal, as a friend, treat me with respect. Don’t patronise me, matey…

This is what I am up against…

  1. Strict discipline in Cambridge or will travel

    I offer strick punishment for naughty boys or girls. You will find the application of my school cane applied across your bottom will have a wonderful effect on poor behaviour. Although I enjoy applying the cane hard across deserving bottoms I can tailor sessions for those hot able to take it. I expect a fee for my services.
    Hope to meet you soon.
    Mr Morgan

Wow! How can I resist…& pay for the abuse…How to destroy your self confidence in a few hours. Meet a ‘strick’ Mr Morgan type…I despair! {Shudders!}

I’m aware that I am fussy…but…I have been through the narcissist emotional abuse, when I first joined the scene. My first ever Dom. He set out to screw me up. It was a game to him…’Karma!’ got him…

I seem to have evolved from blogging about my ‘Healthy eating’ weight loss journey, to moaning & groaning about the scene I was in…There is only so much you can say about healthy eating & weight loss. Personally I feel my recent GAIN! lots of weight, is since going through crap in the scene & finishing with my ‘then’ Dom of 7+ years. The thing is I deleted my private blog, which was where my negative thoughts went to be aired, dealt with, then leave it there. I think I need another ‘negative crappy thoughts’ blog…

Is it worth thinking about…Or blogging about…Hmmmm!

 

Posted in Emotional Eating, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Twenty Three – Focus! Change! Balance! Moderation! Work On Your Own Self Esteem…

13267790_1041040572654216_6007955908776926137_n“Yaaay!” Yesterday was a successful diet day, the day before wasn’t so much, but that was then, this is now, a fresh new day. I done my 5k step target, plus some, I also done a few toning exercises & planted some seedlings, I just planted some more seedlings. No more scales or tape measure. I am going by how I look in the mirror, how I feel {I’m learning to accept myself in the now} & how my clothes fit…

I feel back in control. I hate feeling out of control. Not that I want to control others, I just like to take responsibility for myself. It was red wine Wednesday yesterday, so I was chatting with my friend, how I want to work on my body image issues, for now…Not! “When I lose weight…I am…”…

I don’t need to be size X to be able to fulfil my goals & dreams. Sooo! I wrote my new profile on my new Fetlife account. I commented in one of the groups I had joined & joined another group. Nooo! friend requests just yet, or messages, but there is quite a few defensive women in the FL scene. They are…like…’I don’t accept friend requests unless I have met you at an event, or you say something interesting”…Dream-Quotes-3

Which is fair enough. There is lots of friend request, cold calling & dumb arse one liners out there in Fet land. I had got to where it was getting tedious & I was telling them how it was. Especially the one who asked for details of my Master, so he could ask permission to use me…”EXCUSE MEEEEE???” Rude, ignorant, arrogant $^&%^£%$^%^&……You can imagine what I said, lol…

There are Masters & slaves out there, but if d**k had bothered to read my profile, he would have seen I am not into sm, whatever they call it. I feel pretty tame & vanilla in FL, I’d rather be in the site I joined 12 years ago, but that was taken over by the bitch clique. Though…as my friend said last night. I should just get a new account & go in as a new person. I still won’t make any effort to kiss up & join the clique, but I will make friends…

My friend used to come to parties with me, for 9 years. I used to play with all the Dom’s. She used to sit there & chat. They was intrigued that she was vanilla & only there with me, to socialise, because she liked the people. The people were great, then the bitches happened. It went from being surrounded by the men, chatting, having a laugh, me having lots of fun playing. My Dom playing with lots of women…Then zilch men went near us. It sounds like we done something to deserve it & that we’re paranoid, but in the scene, behaviour is enhanced…Quote2_ipad

Soooo! As I was saying, before I went off on one about the scene…Just goes to show where my focus is…but…Change! Its all change! Also this time, I am losing weight for my health, not for attractiveness, to impress the Dom’s…Hmmm! I did maintain a size 16 when I was going to parties every other month & playing with my Dom {of 7 + years} every other week…

Bitches happened. I lost my confidence. Finished with my Dom & left the scene for three years. Now I am making a come back, but I am making changes. First & foremost ‘My health’…Then my own body image. I am reading lots of blogs about body image. I have always been strong minded. Always objected to being objectified…but I allowed bitches with emotional issues to cause me to lose my confidence…Not anymore. Though now I am not with the Dom, who allowed his fwends to disrespect me…

I just stopped off to play with my little grand daughter. Now I am going to plant up some more seedlings…

Sometimes being tooooo! focused on something, causes issues…Balance! Everything needs balance. I am going to give my sub life focus, but I am not going to allow it to knock my self confidence & self esteem…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Some Might Judge Me – Some Might Assume I Am A Certain Type Of Person…

Ohh! Myyy! Fecking! Gosh!…I just wrote my new Fetlife account profile…’Yaaakes!’…I am going to meet a Dom & I am going to get past my body image issues…

Do you know, I still feel crap from the numbers on my scales this morning. Those feelings were a real eye opener to me…

So I read a few blogs, written by women on a body image journey. I read a feminist blog. The taboo feminist…

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My whole life as sub me, left me feeling bad about myself. I know what I want. I know my own mind. I resent the women who gave me grief, because I was not like them. I miss the fun, pleasurable part of my sub life. I resent the people who took me for granted. I shouldn’t even feel I was taken for granted…

The whole thing about body image & feminism is turned upside down in my sub life. I am not a door mat. I am not just a bottom. I am not a woman there to be used & abused. I am not looking for a mentor, a ‘Dominant!’…someone to own me, train me, control me, belittle me, humiliate me…I am probably fighting a losing battle, a laughing stock, but you know what. I see it as ‘Mutual adult fun’…

Nuff said for now…It is red wine Wednesday…& I still feel raw from the weight gain thing. I need to work on my own self image & sod the dirty old, creepy, perv’s, who left me feeling too old, too past it, too unattractive…{Sigh’s}

It reads like I am really messed up by it. It is not that black & white. It is various shades of grey. Fifty maybe…’The bigger picture’…I see the bigger picture, hence seeing the flaws as well as the positives…

I will stop waffling on…Not that I see myself as a waffler. I mean it tongue in cheek ‘Light hearted’…Okay! I’m definitely shutting up now…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Motivation., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey, Weight Tracker

Crazy Woman On A Diet –

So what have I learned about ‘weight loss journey’ self today…Hmmm?

  1. Emotional ‘change the way I feel’ eating, is a sneaky, snidey ba**ard…
  2. I need to learn stronger coping strategies to deal with the obnoxious ’emotional’ hunger…
  3. I resent all the **ckers in the scene I once had so much fun being in…’Grrrr!’…
  4. So called bad days; not so good days, can feel soooo! long & soooo! destructive, when in reality they last a fraction of time & are in fact a learning curve…
  5. I need to focus on my goals & keep a perspective on the time frame. It feels like I done that weeks ago, then moved on, but in reality I was just not as intensely focused. Time does not fly, our focus flies. Reality flies…Perspective! As in I feel like 3 weeks is a mere 3 hours…A few hours of feeling emotional & giving in to so called ‘comfort eating’ feels like weeks. It was a fraction of the time I felt this way. It does not have to rip open my packet of focused ‘In control’ sweets, neatly packed away, looking sweet & me being ever so good not eating them. Then…GIVE ME THE SWEETS!!! RIIIIPPPPP!!!! STUFF!!!…tears! It does not have to feel that way…It is not that dramatic, not that important, it is just a bag of sweets, FFS! I mean this metaphorically…
  6. I can feel my husband relax, as I fail…Is that crazy? Probably, but I can. Maybe its me seeing it that way, because I am portioning the blame, or something. Maybe is doesn’t have to be quite so intense…So what. I ate some sweet in the ‘Fasting! hour’…{Gasp!}…
  7. Those scales. Those ***king scales. Can **ck! right off & die…HOW DARE THEY!!! 14st12lb ‘Woooo!’…One week of eating a lot less, moving a lot more…15st F**CKING! 2.75 lb…WTF!!! Then 30 seconds later 15st1lb…So I gained 3 lbs? Through eating less & moving more…Those obnoxious, horrendous numbers ruined my day…So they’re out of here, fecking, bast*** scales…
  8. To add salt to my wounds…FECKING! annoying, aggravating, neighbour from hell, cackle woman is back. Can my day get any worse…The woman needs a gag. There is just no need for the noise that comes out of that woman’s mouth, when she laughs…She CACKLES!!!…UGH!!! Tone it down, luv!

That is it for now. I’m sure I will think of more things that I learned over the last 3 weeks…

Persistence! Patience! Perseverance!

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One of the main reason’s I am on this healthy eating, weight loss journey. To see her grow up & have her own children. To be a active part of her life. To be here for my husband & my kids. I want to see all my grandchildren & all my great grandchildren. I want to finish my dream garden & dream home. Three weeks is a drop in the ocean. One minor mishap because I felt emotional is insignificant. Is evaporation. Is joining the rain clouds…

Okay! I will shut up now…