Posted in Indoor Garden, Life as a submissive/spankee, Motivation., Weight loss journey

Where am I at?…

I have not blogged here in ages, but I thought it was time to start using this blog again…Where am I at, on my weight loss journey? Well I am learning lots & lots. The main one being ‘Diets don’t work’…Adding healthy foods, drinking more water, especially eating more vegetables & fruit…I have bought a soup maker, which is great. I get to eat lots of healthy, nutritious, tasty soup. It has also got a blender programme, so I get to drink healthy, nutritious, fruit smoothies too…

Where am I at, with my indoor garden? It is looking great. I love my indoor garden. Though it is going slow filling the whole house…

Where am I at, with my sub life? Well that is a on going source of confusion. Am I too old? Am I too fat? Am I past it? Do I even want to put my self through the drama & mayhem? The last one I’m sure about. No…Too much stress ‘In with calm, out with stress’…Eat more veg, spend time communing with my houseplants…

Then I go & start blogging with a friend. A friend I met in the so called scene. His reputation precedes him as well. In fact I think he could win the ‘Scenes most hated’ award. Would I come in second? Nah! I don’t think so…

I think I got myself into a situation. Now I am going from feelings of ‘Yeah! I can do this’ to absolute ‘DREAD!’…

I am going to stop there & go make some coffee…{Which has health benefits btw}

Ohh! Yes!…Before I go…I changed my blog name to ‘Sophisticated derriere’…Why? Because I like that name…

Nuff said for now…

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Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Opinion, Paul Mckenna I Can Make You Thin., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

ONE! Does not need the hassle from douchebags…

I woke up feeling slightly depressed today, its like something is about to happen, which I know I won’t like. I don’t think my wilted sunflowers helped, so I gave them a good soak, its lovely now the sun is here, but soooo! much watering plants ‘Ugh!’

I got the ‘Well you’ve failed on yet another diet’ vibes from my husband & I feel like slapping him around the head with the Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ book, because I’m past explaining myself. He would say ‘I know how much it makes you depressed’. Yes being fat makes me feel ‘Ugh!’…but it is more my lack of energy which makes me feel down…

My INFJ brain is playing up. Probably one of my weaknesses. Where I start to pick up on someone taking the pee, being passive aggressive sarky, but then I’m left thinking ‘is it me?’ am I over reacting. I think he is just trying to be funny, but to me its not really funny, its sarcastic, I don’t particularly warm to sarcastic people, I find them quite rude & antagonistic. Face to face I just laugh, but Inside I’m left thinking ‘Rude!’

This site I’m co building. I noticed there was green on some, a few amber, too many red to feel comfortable, apparently it is to do with the readability,  analysis, which is basically traffic lights. I have been trying to tweak all the red & amber posts, to turn them green. I really wanted to keep the site down until all these things were ironed out…

…but…’Grrrr!!!’…I won’t moan. It makes me sound like a bitch, lol…

I am having great fun in Fetlife. I am trying to comment in the different groups I have joined, I am also trying to keep up with responding to messages. Hmmm! The sarcasm, the use of ‘I’ {Rolls my eyes} We’re exchanging messages, now emails to get to know each other, so he wrote in this weird confusing way, which made me wonder if he was drunk…& he kept putting {showing off} after every few weird sentences. I was ‘Eh?’ Please, mate! Stop!

Yeesss! There is a lot of ‘I’ I am not going to write in the whateverperson…One, one? what is that about, I read it like I was slurring my words. Why the need for total perfection, that you start to be a sarcastic old git, patronising me instead of talking to me. As new sub me, new improved SOD the tosser’s…I am taking those people out of my life straight away, I don’t need that kind of hassle in my life, there are far more important things to worry about…

Not that I worry about much these days. I learned not to worry ‘One learned not to worry’ {Tw*t!} The thing is. That is some minor & mundane, not worth thinking about, but I don’t want to waste my time with someone I know will eventually really start to irritate…

Ohh! Yes!…I also blocked someone on my Fetlife account. I dare say the first of many to come. Sorry ‘One dare says’…Ohhh! FECK OFF!!! This man was the typical Domly Dom ‘cliche’ Me Master, you mere female slave. I know I made a mistake loving one of his pictures he had a shared, it was just a punny meme…

Basically the bloke is a douchebag. He wanted to discuss my desires, but it was more of a demand then a opening for conversation. I was very polite, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, then he started frantically waving red flags at me. I definitely don’t need his type in my life ever again. One narcissistic, emotional abuser is quite enough thank you very much…

My new sub approach…Never try to explain to a patronising, passive aggressive A hole, especially when being polite, tactful, diplomatic, friendly & still the douchebag gets all passive aggressive anal…Just saying…

 

Posted in Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day? Focus On Weight Loss Healthy Me & sub me…

I am having a great time building a website with my friend. It is looking pretty amazing already. Or maybe that is just my opinion at the mo. I am combining my weight loss journey with my new sub me journey. It may not be kinky talking about veggies, mind you…………………………………………………

At the moment I feel empowered. I don’t want to shift all my focus onto my sub life & let my healthy eating, weight loss journey get forgotten about. So I’m combining the two. They do go together anyway. Also my self esteem & body image issues, after all my sub life is ‘attractive orientated’…I don’t for one minute believe that it is not, but this journey is all about me…

That said. There are people who find fuller figured women attractive. Though I don’t agree with the objectifying a woman as a fetish. The term BBW ‘Big beautiful woman’ is a positive term, but if you are left thinking ‘Soooo you think I’m fat?’…sorry, lol…

I did lose my confidence when I started to feel too old, too fat, too past it…Basically based on one man, not even a man I was in a relationship with. He did make me feel crap about myself, but then again I allowed him to effect me, because of my own insecurities. So he is a tad narrow minded & self absorbed, that is his problem…

Mind you I do have a tendency to get things into ‘logical perspective’ which can be quite hurtful, if I express my thoughts, so I keep my opinion to myself, otherwise ‘Wow!’ what a complete bitch…Its like my perspective of him. A lecherous, fat, unkempt, old man, old enough to be my father, lusting after young girls young enough to be his grand daughter…& his a retired social worker…Hmmm! See, best keep that sharp, cutting, opinion to myself…

So should I be forgiving? Of myself yes. My opinion still stands, just best kept hidden, lol…Seriously though. Where do you draw the line? Do you allow rudeness & thoughtless words to wash over you & act like you don’t care, but deep down it is having a slow acid effect, slowly breaking down your self esteem…but society says you should not care & you should not react ‘Positive thinking!’…

I believe in balance. Like yin & yang…

I do very much believe in positive thinking. I believe in the power of our mind. I know it sounds weird, but just by changing my thoughts to an image, it helps me deal with it. Rain water running through limestone. I was watching a documentary last night about sink holes, apparently rain is slightly acid & over time breaks through lime stone. Interesting stuff…

Well I am going to dilute these peoples acid words, there will be no more eroding my self esteem. I know, what am I going on about now, lol…

I am very interested in psychology. The way our mind works is so intriguing. One thing I have noticed, but should probably block out. There are sooo many prejudice people, its like they don’t think logically, or independently. Its like a video I shared on Facebook. I am going to say he is the opposite of ‘posh’, he has got no hair, shaves his head & he was using the F word quite a lot…but the words he used, the way he expressed his opinion, was intelligent, the majority would just label him as a thug, as ‘racist’ as a bigot…The majority would just think ‘well he must be’ Because they are not listening, or appreciating that we are all entitled to our own opinion…

I can’t control, or change these things, so I put them to the back of my mind…I can control & change my own thoughts, my own reactions. Also ‘negative people & their negative vibes’ I do tend to steer clear of places where these people reside. Unfortunately sometimes this means I miss out…

Nuff said for now…

 

Posted in Food List, Low Carb - High Protein, Motivation., Opinion, Weight loss journey

Day? What A Load Of Halloumi –

I seem to have lost a day. It is day twenty nine, week four. Today would be a weigh day…but…I am not about to let a few numbers determine my mood today. Not that I would be all moody, doom & gloom, no…but I would have that niggling disappointed, disheartened feeling…

I am going by my clothes, how I look & more importantly how I feel. I felt that I was losing focus on my weight loss journey, I wasn’t going off yet another diet at all ‘That diet mentality’…I was just not so focused, because I was doing other things. I realised that when I stop completely focusing on my ‘weight loss journey’ inside my head I feel I am failing my diet…

Successful dieting is more about your mind; keeping yourself motivated, but what about when it comes to maintaining that weight loss. I successfully lost 3st, then I lost focus, I had just moved & got back together with my husband. The weight just piled back on, with an extra 2 stone + for luck ‘Ugh!’…

I lost the extra 2 stone through not dieting, but it took 3 years. Now I want to speed things up. Low carb dieting has always been so easy for me. Because whilst eating low carb, I have no hunger pangs, or food cravings. Maaaybe I am what is referred to as carb sensitive? Maybe I caused the issues through picking at sugary ‘HIGH!’ carb junk all day long. As in my blood sugar levels…

I have been looking up more low carb foods. To ensure I have a variety of foods, that way I won’t get bored & start craving homemade chips, bread…the dreaded cakes, sweets, chocolates, biscuits…{Sighs!}

As I was saying…’Variety!’…My daughter Amy, she told me about putting salmon & tuna on skewers then putting them on the BBQ. Apparently that is tasty. So I thought grilling cheese? I have heard of cheese you can grill & it doesn’t loose its shape…Halloumi cheese ‘ZERO! carbs!’…Woooo!!!

I was also thinking ‘salads’…but leaving out the sweetcorn & pasta. On a low carb diet you can have mayonnaise. Not masses, of course there are still those little ^&%$%$^%^ ‘calories’…Salad leaves are low carb. I can add cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, any veg…with mayo, cheese, chicken, bacon, you name it…

Just no pasta, sweetcorn or bread…I do like bread, but bread is carbs, I will start adding bread as I start adding more carbs…As with most things in my life, I look into lots of different things then take what feel’s right to me. I am an eclectic person…

So I am using the principles of ‘Slimming world’ original red day & Atkins…I am starting with the very low carb induction stage, then after 2 weeks of 20g net carbs {carbs – fibre} I will start adding 5g more…

Fat free products are considered one of the bad diet foods. So I will use double cream etc. Mayonnaise, butter, olive oil…

I was chatting to my friend yesterday. Apparently he has got over wanting to Dom me…’Phew!’ Because I stopped talking to him when he got too aggravating. I am not into being ‘DOM’D!’…

I now have three friends on my new Fetlife account. Two are old friends, one is a new friend. A 34 yo submissive woman. I read her journal, which was one of those synchronicity moments. I feel I needed to read it, because I was feeling flummoxed. She is a go with the flow submissive, a let herself go submissive…Me, I’m still clinging to my vanilla ideals. Respect, self respect, manners, not being talked down to, talked at, patronised, punished, not being mentored!…Not being ‘Dom’d!’…Play is fine, if it is about pleasure & fun…

I say pleasure & fun. She say’s fulfilment…Hmmm! I feel fulfilled after a good play session. The emphasis on ‘Play’…I am very submissive in play. I am not willing to quite let go enough to ‘fit in’ She used the fit in words…Hmmm! There we go again, I don’t want to fit in with people who do things I don’t feel comfortable with, that is unfulfilling, that leaves me feeling bad inside…

No one in the scene wants to hear that. I am not a twue submissive…Its like a blog I was reading, it is written by a submissive. Me suspects she is a he & writing out his fantasy. Fair enough ‘Each to their own’ I’m all for fantasy…but…It reads like she is a fecking robotic stepford wife…This is what these twue submissives write like. I feel my vanilla judgy vibes bubbling to the surface every time I read a twue submissives words…

Its Master this. Master that. Its like he is god…Personally, for me, that is a tad emotionally destructive. Yes really want to please on a sexual, sensual, erotic level, but not in your head. Unless of course you get a thrill from being owned, dominated, trained to serve. Then fair enough. I am not quite brave enough to give someone that power over me…

“Each to their own”

I have had sessions where I have been very submissive, kissing the cane that just hurt me, submissive…but…He wasn’t my Master, he was a friend I played with. My Dom was where the full connection lie…Hmmm! I think that connection was more on my side then his, he just see a bottom, well actions speak louder then words, sir…

Not having to think, just do…’Yaaakes!’ What if he was screwing with my mind {Been there, done that, ended badly} What if he was a woman hater, belittling me, demeaning me, to get some perverse revenge on women…There are quite a few of those in the scene. Women haters. Yet we’re expected to trust them explicitly…With out the ‘getting to know them’…Ummm! lol…Dumb arse ‘Domly Dom’s’…that is what they are referred as…Basically complete disrespectful tw***…

Years ago. My friend had been chatting to a man in a vanilla chatroom {Yahoo} It turned out he was into BDSM. So she told him about me, then gave me his ad…OMFG! talk about a complete freaky nutjob. My friend was so sorry she sent him my way {Not that she was to know he was a real life jekyll & hyde}, he was such a nice vanilla man, but Dom man…He was a disrespectful, abusive, woman hater…What he described he wanted to do to me was beyond abusive. Imagine if I had just met him, because he was nice…{Shudders!}

Ohh! Yes! My friend. Apparently he is being controversial in the Ouch forum…Unfortunately it does not help his reputation. I am not getting involved. I will not be commenting. They already assume he is some fella who trolled them. The man did not troll them, he disagreed with them & told them a few home truths, but it did get overly heated…Silly me, added this man as a friend & made one ‘polite’ comment in his defense. I got attacked by the b****** It is a long boring story. They are tedious people…

I will shut up now…

All that from zero carb halloumi to cheesy Domly Dom’s, lol…

Nuff said for now. I need more coffee…

 

 

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Twenty Seven – More Of My Rambling Subbie Thoughts…

Yesterday was a ‘Good enough!’ diet day. No picking all day, no binging after my red wine. So a good enough diet day. I was just doing some squats whilst my coffee was expressing it self…

From today it is going to be focusing all my mind energy ‘motivation’ on getting my garden finished. Which means more coffee, find the crow bar, clear the first bit of rotten decking I am taking up, the part I fell through, then more coffee…

A friend of mine, I know in the scene, we met over ten years ago & have sort of been on line friends for a while. He sent me a friend request. Ohhh! Sugar. Was that really him? I didn’t even question him, I just accepted…{Goes off to check…}

Seems legit…Anyway…As I was about to say. My friend from the scene. He is the Britishspanking/Ouch .com most hated. Even more hated then me, which is saying something, lol…No not really, I’m not that bad, I am only hated by a few, supposedly laughed at by the clique bitches. Not that I have done anything to deserve it. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it. If you are a quiet, introvert, who does not kiss up, you end up being taken the pee out of, by the typical bitches…

I digress…My friend ‘The most hated!’…He points out their flaws. He basically say’s what me & my friend think & feel, but we keep it to our selves. I can’t be arsed to use my energy on a bunch of people, being typical people, typical as in ‘group behaviour’…’Clique behaviour’…Here lies my problem, see ‘laughable’ I say things like that, instead of kissing up…

Why am I even bothering to blog this negative BS…Ummm! Probably because my friend decided to come back & add me to yet another Facebook group ‘groans’…I am not a group person, I don’t do groups, I don’t do ‘group politics’ I don’t do group bickering, group bitching, group bullying, group cliques…I do like independent, individual, logical thinkers, who are ‘Themselves’…who can think for themselves…

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I used to chat to my friend quite a lot…We even tried to create a new site for people who need a new alternative to the clique mentality. Especially as at the time there was a particully nasty, bullying bitch in the forum, attacking people who did not think like her. She has real mental health issues, which is sad, but she was allowed too much power in the forum. In other words she was not being moderated & was often attacking people & causing drama…I stayed in the back ground as a lurker. Its safer to lurk, if you don’t need the incessant drama…

NotMyCircus

Mind you I did find their bickering bitch-fest quite entertaining. Though it was none of our business. I enjoyed seeing her being put in her place, but then she would get nastier & place the victim card & her clique arse lickers would appear to defend her. Who needs EastEnders when you have got the britishspanking forum…

I digressed again…My friend. He started to make me ‘Grrrr!!!’ when he {Male age play sub} decided that he was going to Dom me. I’m thinking ‘I don’t do being DOM’D!’…I especially don’t do being DOM’D! by a sub who is less then perfect. Here I am a happily married woman for 25 years. Four kids, a grand child & he wants to DOM! me…Feck off, matey. I don’t need that patronising, condescending, often assuming, because he is arrogant enough to believe that ‘Quiet introvert’ me is a empty headed, over sensitive, emotional being…Ugh! ‘Groans!’…

Firstly Quiet introvert peeps are actually quite strong minded. It is all going on in our heads. We think a lot & I mean a LOT!

I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need attention. I do need to be treated with respect. So he assumes I have got something under my skin, because I talk about it. I assume he is a condescending jerk, because he starts talking about it, then concludes that I am talking about it, therefore I must have it under my skin & I’m ‘Groans!’ FOR FECK SAKE! MAN!…LISTEN!

Another thing us introverts do. We listen. We listen to hear, not as the saying goes ‘listen to reply’ therefore not actually listening to understand. Hence my slowness in a conversation when trying to chat to an extrovert. I’m listening, thinking, responding. We often get talked over. It can be a tad boring…

So my friend ‘pee’d me off’ in the end, because he just would not listen…”I am not into being Dom’d” He carried on trying to Dom me. “I am a sub” He carried on making comments about me doing him & I’m thinking ‘I am not going to waste my energy, my time, my brain cells, because I would feel like crap afterwards, especially if it was in my home, after the past crap I have put up with…that is another blog post…

I can’t stand people who jump to conclusions, don’t listen, then dump their negative assumptions on me. I feel VERY! defensive when someone does that to me. I had some bad experiences in the scene, with a narcissistic A hole. My friend knew this narcissist before I did, he had dealing’s with him. I did not know the half of it. Of course I only had my so called Dom’s side {The narcissist} My friend was also in a bad D/s relationship, he feels it screwed him up…{That is another blog post & more his business then mine}

I am going to shut up now, I need coffee, then it is cupboard excavation time {Yaaakes!} I may be a long time & need many cups of coffee…{Mind you, I only have 4-5 small cups of coffee each day, I am not that much of a coffee addict, lol}

Right! I’m going…

 

 

Posted in Opinion, Pep Talk, Self hypnosis, Word Prompt

Desire This – Imagine That – Picture This – Create That – Fulfil My Wildest Subbie Fantasies…

via Daily Prompt: Imaginary

I have not done any word prompt blog posts for a while, but this word has prompted me to write about something, which is also the answer to a question I have been milling over in my mind, never actually settling on any one thing, until now…

“Imaginary!”…Or should I say ‘My imagination’…

Before settling down to blog, I am going to get more coffee & put on some self hypnosis. I like to blog whilst listening to self hypnosis, rather then lay down with my eyes shut…

BRB!

Coffee – Check!

Self hypnosis – {Self Hypnosis for Mind Programming Success (Confidence / Motivation / Positivity) – Self Hypnosis for Mind Programming Success (Confidence / Motivation / Positivity) } – Check!

I need to use my imagination ‘Fantasy’ to fulfil my subbie dreams…& other parts of my life too, but first I want to work out my sub life. I was reading some of the posts, in a few groups I joined in Fetlife…I realised why I lost my ‘insatiable subbie self’…I was being myself, rather then using my imagination, to be someone else…

So now I am going to use my imagination. What I am looking for does not exist anymore. So I am going to create what I want, my own fantasy ‘melodrama’ sub life, through writing my own stories, using my own imagination. The fantasies in my mind put into words…

The self hypnosis I am listening to as I type, is suggesting I use an imaginary stop sign, to…well ‘stop’ negative thoughts. I have been using a similar thing to stop me thinking over past hurts, frustrations, embarrassments. If a negative past thought pops into my head, I think ‘STOP THINKING!’ until it goes out of my head…

I believe there is such a thing as psychic attack, as in someone saying, thinking negative, hateful thoughts about you, sending you negative vibes. Sometimes I avoid blogging or commenting in a certain scene in my life, because I want to stay under their bitchy radar. Sounds silly I know…

I just avoid giving the gossips any gossip. Or the bitches anything to bitch about. I literally steer clear, because I don’t need the unnecessary stress, from the unprovoked hassle. Keeping yourself to yourself appears to offend, lol…So I lurk! I read the threads, I read the comments, I laugh at the childish drama, but I don’t dare comment. Otherwise those negative people, would have the opportunity to send me their negative vibes…

Soooo! Use my imagination. Create my own fantasy sub life…Ohh! Isn’t that like having an imaginary friend? lol…Hmmm! Better that, then dealing with negative crap, from negative people…

To use the power of your own mind, you need to really believe in yourself. Any self sabotaging, self doubt just undoes all the positive thinking. I believe I can write my own fantasy stories. I believe I don’t need to meet a new Dom. I can just create my own fantasy Dom & save myself lots of unnecessary hassle…

Maybe that holds me back, living in fantasy land…but…I believe that I will get myself past the negative thoughts about these people, whome I resent…It will get me to where I find what is right for me. After all, if I publish the stories in my blog, like minded people will find my stories, who knows where that can lead…

I have just listened to 2 self hypnosis YouTube video’s. Now I feel inspired to write. Just write what comes to my mind. Get over the resentment. Let it go. Move on. Create something 100 times more fulfilling in my sub life…

Nuff said for now…

 

 

Posted in Emotional Eating, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Twenty Three – Focus! Change! Balance! Moderation! Work On Your Own Self Esteem…

13267790_1041040572654216_6007955908776926137_n“Yaaay!” Yesterday was a successful diet day, the day before wasn’t so much, but that was then, this is now, a fresh new day. I done my 5k step target, plus some, I also done a few toning exercises & planted some seedlings, I just planted some more seedlings. No more scales or tape measure. I am going by how I look in the mirror, how I feel {I’m learning to accept myself in the now} & how my clothes fit…

I feel back in control. I hate feeling out of control. Not that I want to control others, I just like to take responsibility for myself. It was red wine Wednesday yesterday, so I was chatting with my friend, how I want to work on my body image issues, for now…Not! “When I lose weight…I am…”…

I don’t need to be size X to be able to fulfil my goals & dreams. Sooo! I wrote my new profile on my new Fetlife account. I commented in one of the groups I had joined & joined another group. Nooo! friend requests just yet, or messages, but there is quite a few defensive women in the FL scene. They are…like…’I don’t accept friend requests unless I have met you at an event, or you say something interesting”…Dream-Quotes-3

Which is fair enough. There is lots of friend request, cold calling & dumb arse one liners out there in Fet land. I had got to where it was getting tedious & I was telling them how it was. Especially the one who asked for details of my Master, so he could ask permission to use me…”EXCUSE MEEEEE???” Rude, ignorant, arrogant $^&%^£%$^%^&……You can imagine what I said, lol…

There are Masters & slaves out there, but if d**k had bothered to read my profile, he would have seen I am not into sm, whatever they call it. I feel pretty tame & vanilla in FL, I’d rather be in the site I joined 12 years ago, but that was taken over by the bitch clique. Though…as my friend said last night. I should just get a new account & go in as a new person. I still won’t make any effort to kiss up & join the clique, but I will make friends…

My friend used to come to parties with me, for 9 years. I used to play with all the Dom’s. She used to sit there & chat. They was intrigued that she was vanilla & only there with me, to socialise, because she liked the people. The people were great, then the bitches happened. It went from being surrounded by the men, chatting, having a laugh, me having lots of fun playing. My Dom playing with lots of women…Then zilch men went near us. It sounds like we done something to deserve it & that we’re paranoid, but in the scene, behaviour is enhanced…Quote2_ipad

Soooo! As I was saying, before I went off on one about the scene…Just goes to show where my focus is…but…Change! Its all change! Also this time, I am losing weight for my health, not for attractiveness, to impress the Dom’s…Hmmm! I did maintain a size 16 when I was going to parties every other month & playing with my Dom {of 7 + years} every other week…

Bitches happened. I lost my confidence. Finished with my Dom & left the scene for three years. Now I am making a come back, but I am making changes. First & foremost ‘My health’…Then my own body image. I am reading lots of blogs about body image. I have always been strong minded. Always objected to being objectified…but I allowed bitches with emotional issues to cause me to lose my confidence…Not anymore. Though now I am not with the Dom, who allowed his fwends to disrespect me…

I just stopped off to play with my little grand daughter. Now I am going to plant up some more seedlings…

Sometimes being tooooo! focused on something, causes issues…Balance! Everything needs balance. I am going to give my sub life focus, but I am not going to allow it to knock my self confidence & self esteem…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Some Might Judge Me – Some Might Assume I Am A Certain Type Of Person…

Ohh! Myyy! Fecking! Gosh!…I just wrote my new Fetlife account profile…’Yaaakes!’…I am going to meet a Dom & I am going to get past my body image issues…

Do you know, I still feel crap from the numbers on my scales this morning. Those feelings were a real eye opener to me…

So I read a few blogs, written by women on a body image journey. I read a feminist blog. The taboo feminist…

ffae5e3f08864edb95c6a9088e542426Taylor-Swift-409x580

My whole life as sub me, left me feeling bad about myself. I know what I want. I know my own mind. I resent the women who gave me grief, because I was not like them. I miss the fun, pleasurable part of my sub life. I resent the people who took me for granted. I shouldn’t even feel I was taken for granted…

The whole thing about body image & feminism is turned upside down in my sub life. I am not a door mat. I am not just a bottom. I am not a woman there to be used & abused. I am not looking for a mentor, a ‘Dominant!’…someone to own me, train me, control me, belittle me, humiliate me…I am probably fighting a losing battle, a laughing stock, but you know what. I see it as ‘Mutual adult fun’…

Nuff said for now…It is red wine Wednesday…& I still feel raw from the weight gain thing. I need to work on my own self image & sod the dirty old, creepy, perv’s, who left me feeling too old, too past it, too unattractive…{Sigh’s}

It reads like I am really messed up by it. It is not that black & white. It is various shades of grey. Fifty maybe…’The bigger picture’…I see the bigger picture, hence seeing the flaws as well as the positives…

I will stop waffling on…Not that I see myself as a waffler. I mean it tongue in cheek ‘Light hearted’…Okay! I’m definitely shutting up now…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Motivation., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey, Weight Tracker

Crazy Woman On A Diet –

So what have I learned about ‘weight loss journey’ self today…Hmmm?

  1. Emotional ‘change the way I feel’ eating, is a sneaky, snidey ba**ard…
  2. I need to learn stronger coping strategies to deal with the obnoxious ’emotional’ hunger…
  3. I resent all the **ckers in the scene I once had so much fun being in…’Grrrr!’…
  4. So called bad days; not so good days, can feel soooo! long & soooo! destructive, when in reality they last a fraction of time & are in fact a learning curve…
  5. I need to focus on my goals & keep a perspective on the time frame. It feels like I done that weeks ago, then moved on, but in reality I was just not as intensely focused. Time does not fly, our focus flies. Reality flies…Perspective! As in I feel like 3 weeks is a mere 3 hours…A few hours of feeling emotional & giving in to so called ‘comfort eating’ feels like weeks. It was a fraction of the time I felt this way. It does not have to rip open my packet of focused ‘In control’ sweets, neatly packed away, looking sweet & me being ever so good not eating them. Then…GIVE ME THE SWEETS!!! RIIIIPPPPP!!!! STUFF!!!…tears! It does not have to feel that way…It is not that dramatic, not that important, it is just a bag of sweets, FFS! I mean this metaphorically…
  6. I can feel my husband relax, as I fail…Is that crazy? Probably, but I can. Maybe its me seeing it that way, because I am portioning the blame, or something. Maybe is doesn’t have to be quite so intense…So what. I ate some sweet in the ‘Fasting! hour’…{Gasp!}…
  7. Those scales. Those ***king scales. Can **ck! right off & die…HOW DARE THEY!!! 14st12lb ‘Woooo!’…One week of eating a lot less, moving a lot more…15st F**CKING! 2.75 lb…WTF!!! Then 30 seconds later 15st1lb…So I gained 3 lbs? Through eating less & moving more…Those obnoxious, horrendous numbers ruined my day…So they’re out of here, fecking, bast*** scales…
  8. To add salt to my wounds…FECKING! annoying, aggravating, neighbour from hell, cackle woman is back. Can my day get any worse…The woman needs a gag. There is just no need for the noise that comes out of that woman’s mouth, when she laughs…She CACKLES!!!…UGH!!! Tone it down, luv!

That is it for now. I’m sure I will think of more things that I learned over the last 3 weeks…

Persistence! Patience! Perseverance!

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One of the main reason’s I am on this healthy eating, weight loss journey. To see her grow up & have her own children. To be a active part of her life. To be here for my husband & my kids. I want to see all my grandchildren & all my great grandchildren. I want to finish my dream garden & dream home. Three weeks is a drop in the ocean. One minor mishap because I felt emotional is insignificant. Is evaporation. Is joining the rain clouds…

Okay! I will shut up now…

Posted in Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Sometimes I Just Need To Vent! {sub me VS vanilla me – We need to work things out}

On the way to B&Q I was telling my husband how I dread weighing myself & was thinking of giving up weighing & measuring myself. He thinks I should stop weighing myself & just go by how I look & feel…

Mind you my treat for reaching the 14’s on the scales, was 2 plants I bought at B&Q…Soooo! I’ll still need to set myself goals, but not involving weight or measurements. I’ll dig out a skirt I used to wear, but when I gained loads of weight, I could no longer wear. It was my guide skirt, as it was either too tight & I had trouble twisting it around, or it done up & twisted around easily…

I am going to dig out clothes & go by my clothes…Then ‘Patience!’ ‘Persistence!’ Stay focused on my ‘making changes for life’ to live a long healthy life. So! No more scales, until I get into that skirt. I am going to hang the skirt where I can see it in my bedroom…

We was also discussing the garden. I love gardening, I love my garden & I enjoy upcycling…but I don’t have the energy to keep on top of the weed infestation. All that digging & pruning & moving plants I done…Well lets just say the weeds are happy…

I am waiting for the poppy seedlings to grow & bloom. Then I am weeding YET! AGAIN! & putting down a ton of bark. The unhappy ‘Ungrateful’ plants…well they are going to be cut right back & left, if they thrive, they thrive, if they die, they are small enough to discard…

I am having a crazy total garden revamp…Orange & red bark…& lots of pots, I have got lots of pots…I am going to make lots more cement drape pots, my first one come out well, I love it…I want my garden safe enough for my little grand daughter to toddle about in, when she starts toddling. I want to buy her a swing & slide…

One of my plants I bought today, was an orchid. I am planning on bringing my daughters leopard spotted gecko downstairs. My Dad put his orchid on top of his dragon’s vivarium. The orchid threw out lots of flower spikes & flowered its heart out. It obviously like the heat pad. I have got to move my indoor fish pond as well. Its going out in the garden, but in the shade this time, otherwise I almost get boiled fish. I love being surrounded by plants & the sound of water. It blocks out the noisy neighbours…

One good thing about orchids, so they don’t need direct sun light, but they do like warmth & moisture, they are great for absorbing moisture in the air. So if I put them where I get condensation ‘No condensation’. No black mould…

I need to focus more on growing lots of plants & creating my own mini indoor tropical paradise. Sod going back to where I was as a sub. That did not work out in the end, it is not worth going back & trying again. The definition of insanity…

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I must be going crazy. I was even contemplating self spanking. Yes I went there…No I didn’t literally go there, I am just trying to work out what to do in the future, to get my fix. Because I can’t stand the Dom’s in the scene. They are either too arrogant, too patronising & condescending, too self centred ‘Its all about THEM!’ cos their Domly Dom’s ya know {Rolls my eyes}…Some Dom guy would consider my words as ‘Bratting’ & trying to earn a spanking. My response to that ‘Feck off!’…

See. This is what I am up against. Soooo! Forget trying to find a decent Dom…DIY! Use my mind. Use my imagination. Create my own fantasy. Write my own stories. For get the real life, disappointing Dom’s & having to deal with emotionally screwed bints…Fantasy! VS Reality! It use to be ‘Definitely reality’…Then people happened. I feel so resentful. So let down. So disappointed. So disheartened…Such a waste. After all I was a active player, not all talk & bratting…{Sighs!} Such is life…Hmmm! Where are my implements. I have got quite a few implements I can adapt to use on myself…

Mind you…Doesn’t that go into self flagellation. Self punishment…Noooo! Pleasure. Self pleasure. Sometimes I need to feel the intense pain to feel something, like it stimulates my senses. It sounds weird. A tad freaky, but…The after effects of pain. The after glow. People, being people. Just reduces it to ‘I don’t do people very well, therefore I am less then them’…

Not that I feel less then anyone, or more then anyone. I just prefer people who can be themselves. Think for themselves. Know their own mind. Who can go through the usual hardships in life & come out stronger, rather then bitter, twisted & bullying others, to make them feel better about themselves…

I will continue working out my life…Working out the changes in my sub life, which was once an important part of my life…Then C***’S! happened!…

Takes a breath!

Goes to make a cup of coffee…