Posted in Indoor Garden, Life as a submissive/spankee, Motivation., Weight loss journey

Where am I at?…

I have not blogged here in ages, but I thought it was time to start using this blog again…Where am I at, on my weight loss journey? Well I am learning lots & lots. The main one being ‘Diets don’t work’…Adding healthy foods, drinking more water, especially eating more vegetables & fruit…I have bought a soup maker, which is great. I get to eat lots of healthy, nutritious, tasty soup. It has also got a blender programme, so I get to drink healthy, nutritious, fruit smoothies too…

Where am I at, with my indoor garden? It is looking great. I love my indoor garden. Though it is going slow filling the whole house…

Where am I at, with my sub life? Well that is a on going source of confusion. Am I too old? Am I too fat? Am I past it? Do I even want to put my self through the drama & mayhem? The last one I’m sure about. No…Too much stress ‘In with calm, out with stress’…Eat more veg, spend time communing with my houseplants…

Then I go & start blogging with a friend. A friend I met in the so called scene. His reputation precedes him as well. In fact I think he could win the ‘Scenes most hated’ award. Would I come in second? Nah! I don’t think so…

I think I got myself into a situation. Now I am going from feelings of ‘Yeah! I can do this’ to absolute ‘DREAD!’…

I am going to stop there & go make some coffee…{Which has health benefits btw}

Ohh! Yes!…Before I go…I changed my blog name to ‘Sophisticated derriere’…Why? Because I like that name…

Nuff said for now…

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Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Food List, Low Carb - High Protein, Motivation., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Life Changes Often Involve Lots Of Changing Your Mind…

One thing when planning life changes, is to be forgiving of yourself. Instead of thinking I failed at that, how embarrassing, I went on & on about it only to fail…No! life changes, life evolves, ideas evolve, learning what works, taking what works, then discarding the rest…

I have had a few major tweaks & kept quite a lot of my original plan. I am still eating healthy meals cooked from scratch, I feel so much better for it. I am more pain free. I feel more energetic, though I’m hoping to feel more energetic once I lose more weight. I feel more motivated. Of course I have my moments, but I do feel empowered to keep going, keep evolving, forgive myself more often…

I have stopped picking through out the day, which is a huge calorie reduction & I no longer pick all evening, into the night when I can’t sleep. So why aren’t the lb’s dropping off me…Hmmm? You would think I would be losing weight, by cutting drastically down on sweet junk food…

So I decided that something more needs to be done. Or undone…I can go all day just drinking water, black coffee, calypso sugar free spring water & have a small lunch, but the food I ate for lunch was more habit then needing to eat…Now I am drinking 3x meal replacement shakes, breakfast, lunch, supper…& having my usual dinner. No sweet treats. I like milk shake, I like sweet foods. The shakes satisfy both my need to drink rather then eat & it satisfies my sweet tooth…

By drinking 3 low carb/high protein shakes. I am also getting all my nutrients. Which I would not get by just drinking water, black coffee & sugar free spring water. They are quite tasty, filling & only 200-calories each. Which means I eat a maximum of 2000 calories if I have takeaway. On average I eat under 1700-calories…

Another tweak to my plan. I am giving up on my garden & creating an indoor garden instead. I love the bohemian style, I love plants. I hate all the weeds, the non stop watering, the burning sun, the noisy neighbours. If I create my dream bohemian style indoor jungle, I will be in my element…

At the moment I am deciding what plants can come indoors & survive. My eucalyptus. Bamboo. Dwarf bamboo. Can I bring my euonymus{s} in? & my hebe{s}? I need to get researching. I want to spread my fish out as well. At the moment they are in one 90L container. I want to divide them into smaller containers & grow aquarium plants. I also want a separate container to keep some fancy fan tail fish…

My sub life is on hold for a while. Until I can get my head around it. I am still reading lots of journal/writing in Fetlife…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Opinion, Paul Mckenna I Can Make You Thin., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

ONE! Does not need the hassle from douchebags…

I woke up feeling slightly depressed today, its like something is about to happen, which I know I won’t like. I don’t think my wilted sunflowers helped, so I gave them a good soak, its lovely now the sun is here, but soooo! much watering plants ‘Ugh!’

I got the ‘Well you’ve failed on yet another diet’ vibes from my husband & I feel like slapping him around the head with the Paul McKenna ‘I can make you thin’ book, because I’m past explaining myself. He would say ‘I know how much it makes you depressed’. Yes being fat makes me feel ‘Ugh!’…but it is more my lack of energy which makes me feel down…

My INFJ brain is playing up. Probably one of my weaknesses. Where I start to pick up on someone taking the pee, being passive aggressive sarky, but then I’m left thinking ‘is it me?’ am I over reacting. I think he is just trying to be funny, but to me its not really funny, its sarcastic, I don’t particularly warm to sarcastic people, I find them quite rude & antagonistic. Face to face I just laugh, but Inside I’m left thinking ‘Rude!’

This site I’m co building. I noticed there was green on some, a few amber, too many red to feel comfortable, apparently it is to do with the readability,  analysis, which is basically traffic lights. I have been trying to tweak all the red & amber posts, to turn them green. I really wanted to keep the site down until all these things were ironed out…

…but…’Grrrr!!!’…I won’t moan. It makes me sound like a bitch, lol…

I am having great fun in Fetlife. I am trying to comment in the different groups I have joined, I am also trying to keep up with responding to messages. Hmmm! The sarcasm, the use of ‘I’ {Rolls my eyes} We’re exchanging messages, now emails to get to know each other, so he wrote in this weird confusing way, which made me wonder if he was drunk…& he kept putting {showing off} after every few weird sentences. I was ‘Eh?’ Please, mate! Stop!

Yeesss! There is a lot of ‘I’ I am not going to write in the whateverperson…One, one? what is that about, I read it like I was slurring my words. Why the need for total perfection, that you start to be a sarcastic old git, patronising me instead of talking to me. As new sub me, new improved SOD the tosser’s…I am taking those people out of my life straight away, I don’t need that kind of hassle in my life, there are far more important things to worry about…

Not that I worry about much these days. I learned not to worry ‘One learned not to worry’ {Tw*t!} The thing is. That is some minor & mundane, not worth thinking about, but I don’t want to waste my time with someone I know will eventually really start to irritate…

Ohh! Yes!…I also blocked someone on my Fetlife account. I dare say the first of many to come. Sorry ‘One dare says’…Ohhh! FECK OFF!!! This man was the typical Domly Dom ‘cliche’ Me Master, you mere female slave. I know I made a mistake loving one of his pictures he had a shared, it was just a punny meme…

Basically the bloke is a douchebag. He wanted to discuss my desires, but it was more of a demand then a opening for conversation. I was very polite, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, then he started frantically waving red flags at me. I definitely don’t need his type in my life ever again. One narcissistic, emotional abuser is quite enough thank you very much…

My new sub approach…Never try to explain to a patronising, passive aggressive A hole, especially when being polite, tactful, diplomatic, friendly & still the douchebag gets all passive aggressive anal…Just saying…

 

Posted in Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day? Focus On Weight Loss Healthy Me & sub me…

I am having a great time building a website with my friend. It is looking pretty amazing already. Or maybe that is just my opinion at the mo. I am combining my weight loss journey with my new sub me journey. It may not be kinky talking about veggies, mind you…………………………………………………

At the moment I feel empowered. I don’t want to shift all my focus onto my sub life & let my healthy eating, weight loss journey get forgotten about. So I’m combining the two. They do go together anyway. Also my self esteem & body image issues, after all my sub life is ‘attractive orientated’…I don’t for one minute believe that it is not, but this journey is all about me…

That said. There are people who find fuller figured women attractive. Though I don’t agree with the objectifying a woman as a fetish. The term BBW ‘Big beautiful woman’ is a positive term, but if you are left thinking ‘Soooo you think I’m fat?’…sorry, lol…

I did lose my confidence when I started to feel too old, too fat, too past it…Basically based on one man, not even a man I was in a relationship with. He did make me feel crap about myself, but then again I allowed him to effect me, because of my own insecurities. So he is a tad narrow minded & self absorbed, that is his problem…

Mind you I do have a tendency to get things into ‘logical perspective’ which can be quite hurtful, if I express my thoughts, so I keep my opinion to myself, otherwise ‘Wow!’ what a complete bitch…Its like my perspective of him. A lecherous, fat, unkempt, old man, old enough to be my father, lusting after young girls young enough to be his grand daughter…& his a retired social worker…Hmmm! See, best keep that sharp, cutting, opinion to myself…

So should I be forgiving? Of myself yes. My opinion still stands, just best kept hidden, lol…Seriously though. Where do you draw the line? Do you allow rudeness & thoughtless words to wash over you & act like you don’t care, but deep down it is having a slow acid effect, slowly breaking down your self esteem…but society says you should not care & you should not react ‘Positive thinking!’…

I believe in balance. Like yin & yang…

I do very much believe in positive thinking. I believe in the power of our mind. I know it sounds weird, but just by changing my thoughts to an image, it helps me deal with it. Rain water running through limestone. I was watching a documentary last night about sink holes, apparently rain is slightly acid & over time breaks through lime stone. Interesting stuff…

Well I am going to dilute these peoples acid words, there will be no more eroding my self esteem. I know, what am I going on about now, lol…

I am very interested in psychology. The way our mind works is so intriguing. One thing I have noticed, but should probably block out. There are sooo many prejudice people, its like they don’t think logically, or independently. Its like a video I shared on Facebook. I am going to say he is the opposite of ‘posh’, he has got no hair, shaves his head & he was using the F word quite a lot…but the words he used, the way he expressed his opinion, was intelligent, the majority would just label him as a thug, as ‘racist’ as a bigot…The majority would just think ‘well he must be’ Because they are not listening, or appreciating that we are all entitled to our own opinion…

I can’t control, or change these things, so I put them to the back of my mind…I can control & change my own thoughts, my own reactions. Also ‘negative people & their negative vibes’ I do tend to steer clear of places where these people reside. Unfortunately sometimes this means I miss out…

Nuff said for now…

 

Posted in Food List, Low Carb - High Protein, Motivation., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Thirty Two – Little Changes Add Up To Big Results – Eventually…

I have had a few days of eating sugary foods, but not lots of sugary food or high sugar fizzy drinks. I’m waiting for the evening to do exercise. Tonight I am having pizza. Aptly named ‘fat pizza’…

…but…This is a life style change, not a diet. I reached the goal to be under 15st. I am on my way to reaching the goal to be under 40 inches. I believe the key to successfully reaching my ultimate long term goal is to do it slowly but surely, as much as I want to speed things up & get there fast, I’m more likely to never get there…

If I drop 0.5″ off my waist/tummy each week, through exercise, mainly gardening. It will take me 12 weeks to drop the 6 inches I want to drop before I play again {sub me} That should be 12 weeks to drop the 6 inches I am going to drop before I play again…

Pizza, then gardening. It doesn’t get dark until gone 21pm. I want to get lots done in my garden today. That is I am going to. The exercise will burn the carbs as energy, boost my metabolism, which will carry on even at rest…

Sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough…Then I realise that that I am doing a lot, I am doing enough to reach my long term goals. Persistence. Patience. Change gets results….

Posted in Food List, Low Carb - High Protein, Motivation., Opinion, Weight loss journey

Low Carb Eating Is Not All Deep Fat Fried Bacon…

Ummm! All that fuss about eating cake. I decided to work out my carbs. The 1/4 jam roly poly was 47g…’Gasp!’ I bet my blood sugar level sky rocketed, then all that insulin ‘tut-tut’…but…I ate under 90g of carbs, which is low, 100g carbs is low carb eating…

Though its best to get those carbs from healthy foods…NOT! cake…

Didyouknowdietstandfor-02

I decided to weigh myself as well. I was expecting my weight to be back up to where I started. It is under the 15st mark ‘Yeesss!’…I don’t want to weigh myself too often, I want to get myself into the right frame of mind for weighing & measuring. If I lose 5 lbs of fat & gain 5 lbs of muscle, I won’t be 5 lbs lighter, but I will be slimmer. Also muscle burns more calories then fat…

fat-vs-muscle-burn

Sometimes its easy to over look all the good things I am doing on my weight loss journey & focus on the so called bad. That cake was me eating sweet treats in moderation. I am going to start forgiving myself…

I was thinking of doing the induction phase of Atkins, then after 2 weeks building up my carbs 5g each week…but…I have decided that is too much like a diet. I am giving up dieting & changing my eating habits for life. I think 100g net carbs is low carb enough…

low-carb-food-pyramid

Its funny how aggressive & rude certain people get over ‘other people’ eating low carb…I was watching a youtube video of a woman who had been on a low carb diet for 6 months. Most of the comments were of rude people over reacting to her saying ‘High fat diet’…’ANIMAL FATS!!!  ‘arrrrggggghhhhh!!!…That is people for you…

Jeeze! Learn some manners people, talk about insulting…

Anyway…

effects-of-low-carb-diet

I think the stigma for low carb eating comes from the people who tried Atkins, but took the fry up’s a tad too far. Jeeze! There are other foods then bacon. There is ‘grilled’ food, including low starch veggies such as mushrooms. There is fish, chicken, turkey…

I watched a program about bad diets, of course the Atkins diet was on there, but the woman was deep fat frying bacon & living on deep fat fried, well bacon, eggs, sausage. No wonder she sweated bacon, when she was playing rugby…Chicken, fish, low starch veggies ‘Grill’…Sheesh!

Ignorance is not always bliss…

Its like the Atkins diet tv program. I wanted to slap her…OMFG! there was tears, there was craving cereal, there was head aches…Drink more water…Eat more variety. Do the research. Obviously the low fat & the cereal was not doing anything for her waist line. Its such a shame they always focus on the negatives when it comes to low carb…

LCBudget-2400x1600low-carb.png

Its like my friend. She’s really slim, eats healthy…but she’s the most unhealthy person I know. She’s always ill, she’s always going to hospital for yet more tests. Maaaybe she needs to start eating Paleo…

The only thing which puts me off eating paleo, is the ‘No dairy’…Though I can go no dairy. I drink black coffee, I don’t mind lemon in herbal tea. I could go with out cheese, but I like cheese…I’ll look into the paleo diet, I know it is one of the healthiest ways to eat. No grains, no dairy. Meat, poultry, fish, nuts, seeds, berries, vegetables, fruit, I think potatoes are debatable…but if a caveman had dug up a potatoe……

paleo-foods-paleo-food-list-paleo-diet-recipes

It does look quite restrictive…Also ‘wild meats’…surely any meat, poultry & fish, not just game…

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Emotional Eating, Low Carb - High Protein, Motivation., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Thirty – Darn Cake!

I ate cake ‘Ugh!’ at least the cream was low carb. Its weird. It is one tinsy bit of cake, but I feel like a HUGE! failure. I am working on this over reaction to a mere piece of cake on one day out of a life time of days. I will get my eating of ‘non diet food’ into proportion…

That was yesterday. After eating a reasonable amount of nutritious food all day, right up to the cake. I thought ‘Shall I weigh myself to see what the damage is’…IT IS A POXY BIT OF CAKE!…Jeeze!

The usual ‘I blew it, I might as well eat’ feeling did come over me, but I reminded myself that I am not on a diet, I am eating healthy, changing my ‘keeping me fat’ habits. This is a lifestyle change. One excess amount of carbs, does not have to turn me into a dust bin of PROPORTIONATE! excessive, out of control pick-pick-frigging picking…’Get a grip!’

…& breath

So I’m focusing on the cake. Which was a tiny piece, quite yummy, because I am not continuously stuffing sugar into my body. When other positive things happened. Like receiving 2 messages, 1 on Fetlife, the other on Bs {Aka british spanking} Apparently I am a breath of fresh air & my profile is impressive…Why thank you, kind sir!

I don’t want to rush in, just because 2 people liked my profile. I want to mull it over…After all my new accounts, are start over, not-tainted by my Ex Dom’s, especially my first Ex Dom, because he is quite a spiteful, malicious, vindictive person, he is obsessed with playing mind games. His Ex sub before me, or she was a few before me. She tried to warn me…but…I needed to find out for myself & I needed to get out of the emotionally abusive D/s relationship myself. Of course I done it in a spectacular, dramatic, unique way. Well he did keep push-push-pushing until I went over the edge & took him over with me…{That is a long blog story}

Anyway. When I am new, untainted, unknown, un-gossiped about. Just me…The blokes have not been warned off me, lol…I’m not exaggerating, they are a bunch of control freaks…Mister passive aggressive man, who was told from the off that I was not going to meet him, got all arsey because I would not meet him. Told me that he should have listened to the…Gossips? Back stabbers? Two faced bitches? I was OMFG! I’m right, I’m not paranoid after all. I thought it was me…

I feel SO! much resentment towards these nasty people. Its not like I done anything to deserve it, other then be in a D/s relationship with a narcissist, then be with one of the rare decent  Dom’s…{I won’t go into that}

…In with calm, out with stress…

Those are emotionally destructive feelings, only I get hurt by those feelings. So just let them go. Move on…carry on doing what I am doing, because it must be right. Please-please-please don’t let them bitches realise that it is me…

…In with calm, out with stress…Don’t eat cake!

Takes a deep calming breath…

Meditation. I need to meditate more, its great. I need to visualise more, I know that is helpful…

I was doing lots of research on low carb eating. I learned lots of helpful stuff…I also learned that if I go for a 15 minute walk after eating, the blood sugar spike, which needs insulin to deal with the excess sugar, which means storing the sugar as fat…well the excess sugar will be used by my muscles. High protein builds muscle, or helps build more muscle; muscle burns more calories, it also uses glucose ‘Sugar!’…I am so going to make the effort to do this…

Exercise to use the excess sugar, so my body does not need to store it as fat…The thing is…even if you are on a strict diet, if your blood sugar spikes, you are still going to produce insulin & your body is still going to store excess sugar as fat…

Low carb dieting is great for balancing your hormones, it is especially good for balancing your blood sugar…If I buy low carb foods & aim to eat low carb foods ‘NO! cake’…I am going to have more muscle building protein, less processed junk…& many more health benefits…

Apparently eating a low carb diet, can improve sleep. Which I need. I went to bed before midnight, but fell asleep about 1am & woke up at 5am. A mere 4 hours sleep. No wonder I have bags under my eyes & deep shadows…Ugh!

Nuff said for now…

Posted in Food List, Low Carb - High Protein, Motivation., Opinion, Weight loss journey

Day? What A Load Of Halloumi –

I seem to have lost a day. It is day twenty nine, week four. Today would be a weigh day…but…I am not about to let a few numbers determine my mood today. Not that I would be all moody, doom & gloom, no…but I would have that niggling disappointed, disheartened feeling…

I am going by my clothes, how I look & more importantly how I feel. I felt that I was losing focus on my weight loss journey, I wasn’t going off yet another diet at all ‘That diet mentality’…I was just not so focused, because I was doing other things. I realised that when I stop completely focusing on my ‘weight loss journey’ inside my head I feel I am failing my diet…

Successful dieting is more about your mind; keeping yourself motivated, but what about when it comes to maintaining that weight loss. I successfully lost 3st, then I lost focus, I had just moved & got back together with my husband. The weight just piled back on, with an extra 2 stone + for luck ‘Ugh!’…

I lost the extra 2 stone through not dieting, but it took 3 years. Now I want to speed things up. Low carb dieting has always been so easy for me. Because whilst eating low carb, I have no hunger pangs, or food cravings. Maaaybe I am what is referred to as carb sensitive? Maybe I caused the issues through picking at sugary ‘HIGH!’ carb junk all day long. As in my blood sugar levels…

I have been looking up more low carb foods. To ensure I have a variety of foods, that way I won’t get bored & start craving homemade chips, bread…the dreaded cakes, sweets, chocolates, biscuits…{Sighs!}

As I was saying…’Variety!’…My daughter Amy, she told me about putting salmon & tuna on skewers then putting them on the BBQ. Apparently that is tasty. So I thought grilling cheese? I have heard of cheese you can grill & it doesn’t loose its shape…Halloumi cheese ‘ZERO! carbs!’…Woooo!!!

I was also thinking ‘salads’…but leaving out the sweetcorn & pasta. On a low carb diet you can have mayonnaise. Not masses, of course there are still those little ^&%$%$^%^ ‘calories’…Salad leaves are low carb. I can add cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, any veg…with mayo, cheese, chicken, bacon, you name it…

Just no pasta, sweetcorn or bread…I do like bread, but bread is carbs, I will start adding bread as I start adding more carbs…As with most things in my life, I look into lots of different things then take what feel’s right to me. I am an eclectic person…

So I am using the principles of ‘Slimming world’ original red day & Atkins…I am starting with the very low carb induction stage, then after 2 weeks of 20g net carbs {carbs – fibre} I will start adding 5g more…

Fat free products are considered one of the bad diet foods. So I will use double cream etc. Mayonnaise, butter, olive oil…

I was chatting to my friend yesterday. Apparently he has got over wanting to Dom me…’Phew!’ Because I stopped talking to him when he got too aggravating. I am not into being ‘DOM’D!’…

I now have three friends on my new Fetlife account. Two are old friends, one is a new friend. A 34 yo submissive woman. I read her journal, which was one of those synchronicity moments. I feel I needed to read it, because I was feeling flummoxed. She is a go with the flow submissive, a let herself go submissive…Me, I’m still clinging to my vanilla ideals. Respect, self respect, manners, not being talked down to, talked at, patronised, punished, not being mentored!…Not being ‘Dom’d!’…Play is fine, if it is about pleasure & fun…

I say pleasure & fun. She say’s fulfilment…Hmmm! I feel fulfilled after a good play session. The emphasis on ‘Play’…I am very submissive in play. I am not willing to quite let go enough to ‘fit in’ She used the fit in words…Hmmm! There we go again, I don’t want to fit in with people who do things I don’t feel comfortable with, that is unfulfilling, that leaves me feeling bad inside…

No one in the scene wants to hear that. I am not a twue submissive…Its like a blog I was reading, it is written by a submissive. Me suspects she is a he & writing out his fantasy. Fair enough ‘Each to their own’ I’m all for fantasy…but…It reads like she is a fecking robotic stepford wife…This is what these twue submissives write like. I feel my vanilla judgy vibes bubbling to the surface every time I read a twue submissives words…

Its Master this. Master that. Its like he is god…Personally, for me, that is a tad emotionally destructive. Yes really want to please on a sexual, sensual, erotic level, but not in your head. Unless of course you get a thrill from being owned, dominated, trained to serve. Then fair enough. I am not quite brave enough to give someone that power over me…

“Each to their own”

I have had sessions where I have been very submissive, kissing the cane that just hurt me, submissive…but…He wasn’t my Master, he was a friend I played with. My Dom was where the full connection lie…Hmmm! I think that connection was more on my side then his, he just see a bottom, well actions speak louder then words, sir…

Not having to think, just do…’Yaaakes!’ What if he was screwing with my mind {Been there, done that, ended badly} What if he was a woman hater, belittling me, demeaning me, to get some perverse revenge on women…There are quite a few of those in the scene. Women haters. Yet we’re expected to trust them explicitly…With out the ‘getting to know them’…Ummm! lol…Dumb arse ‘Domly Dom’s’…that is what they are referred as…Basically complete disrespectful tw***…

Years ago. My friend had been chatting to a man in a vanilla chatroom {Yahoo} It turned out he was into BDSM. So she told him about me, then gave me his ad…OMFG! talk about a complete freaky nutjob. My friend was so sorry she sent him my way {Not that she was to know he was a real life jekyll & hyde}, he was such a nice vanilla man, but Dom man…He was a disrespectful, abusive, woman hater…What he described he wanted to do to me was beyond abusive. Imagine if I had just met him, because he was nice…{Shudders!}

Ohh! Yes! My friend. Apparently he is being controversial in the Ouch forum…Unfortunately it does not help his reputation. I am not getting involved. I will not be commenting. They already assume he is some fella who trolled them. The man did not troll them, he disagreed with them & told them a few home truths, but it did get overly heated…Silly me, added this man as a friend & made one ‘polite’ comment in his defense. I got attacked by the b****** It is a long boring story. They are tedious people…

I will shut up now…

All that from zero carb halloumi to cheesy Domly Dom’s, lol…

Nuff said for now. I need more coffee…

 

 

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Motivation., Opinion, Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Twenty Seven – More Of My Rambling Subbie Thoughts…

Yesterday was a ‘Good enough!’ diet day. No picking all day, no binging after my red wine. So a good enough diet day. I was just doing some squats whilst my coffee was expressing it self…

From today it is going to be focusing all my mind energy ‘motivation’ on getting my garden finished. Which means more coffee, find the crow bar, clear the first bit of rotten decking I am taking up, the part I fell through, then more coffee…

A friend of mine, I know in the scene, we met over ten years ago & have sort of been on line friends for a while. He sent me a friend request. Ohhh! Sugar. Was that really him? I didn’t even question him, I just accepted…{Goes off to check…}

Seems legit…Anyway…As I was about to say. My friend from the scene. He is the Britishspanking/Ouch .com most hated. Even more hated then me, which is saying something, lol…No not really, I’m not that bad, I am only hated by a few, supposedly laughed at by the clique bitches. Not that I have done anything to deserve it. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it. If you are a quiet, introvert, who does not kiss up, you end up being taken the pee out of, by the typical bitches…

I digress…My friend ‘The most hated!’…He points out their flaws. He basically say’s what me & my friend think & feel, but we keep it to our selves. I can’t be arsed to use my energy on a bunch of people, being typical people, typical as in ‘group behaviour’…’Clique behaviour’…Here lies my problem, see ‘laughable’ I say things like that, instead of kissing up…

Why am I even bothering to blog this negative BS…Ummm! Probably because my friend decided to come back & add me to yet another Facebook group ‘groans’…I am not a group person, I don’t do groups, I don’t do ‘group politics’ I don’t do group bickering, group bitching, group bullying, group cliques…I do like independent, individual, logical thinkers, who are ‘Themselves’…who can think for themselves…

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I used to chat to my friend quite a lot…We even tried to create a new site for people who need a new alternative to the clique mentality. Especially as at the time there was a particully nasty, bullying bitch in the forum, attacking people who did not think like her. She has real mental health issues, which is sad, but she was allowed too much power in the forum. In other words she was not being moderated & was often attacking people & causing drama…I stayed in the back ground as a lurker. Its safer to lurk, if you don’t need the incessant drama…

NotMyCircus

Mind you I did find their bickering bitch-fest quite entertaining. Though it was none of our business. I enjoyed seeing her being put in her place, but then she would get nastier & place the victim card & her clique arse lickers would appear to defend her. Who needs EastEnders when you have got the britishspanking forum…

I digressed again…My friend. He started to make me ‘Grrrr!!!’ when he {Male age play sub} decided that he was going to Dom me. I’m thinking ‘I don’t do being DOM’D!’…I especially don’t do being DOM’D! by a sub who is less then perfect. Here I am a happily married woman for 25 years. Four kids, a grand child & he wants to DOM! me…Feck off, matey. I don’t need that patronising, condescending, often assuming, because he is arrogant enough to believe that ‘Quiet introvert’ me is a empty headed, over sensitive, emotional being…Ugh! ‘Groans!’…

Firstly Quiet introvert peeps are actually quite strong minded. It is all going on in our heads. We think a lot & I mean a LOT!

I don’t need to be accepted. I don’t need attention. I do need to be treated with respect. So he assumes I have got something under my skin, because I talk about it. I assume he is a condescending jerk, because he starts talking about it, then concludes that I am talking about it, therefore I must have it under my skin & I’m ‘Groans!’ FOR FECK SAKE! MAN!…LISTEN!

Another thing us introverts do. We listen. We listen to hear, not as the saying goes ‘listen to reply’ therefore not actually listening to understand. Hence my slowness in a conversation when trying to chat to an extrovert. I’m listening, thinking, responding. We often get talked over. It can be a tad boring…

So my friend ‘pee’d me off’ in the end, because he just would not listen…”I am not into being Dom’d” He carried on trying to Dom me. “I am a sub” He carried on making comments about me doing him & I’m thinking ‘I am not going to waste my energy, my time, my brain cells, because I would feel like crap afterwards, especially if it was in my home, after the past crap I have put up with…that is another blog post…

I can’t stand people who jump to conclusions, don’t listen, then dump their negative assumptions on me. I feel VERY! defensive when someone does that to me. I had some bad experiences in the scene, with a narcissistic A hole. My friend knew this narcissist before I did, he had dealing’s with him. I did not know the half of it. Of course I only had my so called Dom’s side {The narcissist} My friend was also in a bad D/s relationship, he feels it screwed him up…{That is another blog post & more his business then mine}

I am going to shut up now, I need coffee, then it is cupboard excavation time {Yaaakes!} I may be a long time & need many cups of coffee…{Mind you, I only have 4-5 small cups of coffee each day, I am not that much of a coffee addict, lol}

Right! I’m going…

 

 

Posted in Detour On Weight Loss Journey, Motivation., Paul Mckenna I Can Make You Thin., Pep Talk, Weight loss journey

Day Twenty Six – This Time Next Year – Taking The More Leisurely Route To My Ideal Size…

I am going to say ‘A successful day, on my weight loss journey’…Though my diet mentality, from years of dieting, leaves me feeling like it was a lazy day. I never reached my 5k step target & I ate after 23pm & just before 13pm, but…

  1. I am still fasting for at least 12 hours…
  2. I am still eating a healthy diet…
  3. I am not picking on sweet junk all day…
  4. I have treat food, but not all day snacking…
  5. I am not drinking sugary fizzy drinks, or other sugary drinks…
  6. I am resting due to so called flare up’s, but keep getting up, moving around & doing the odd squat, side leg raise, etc…
  7. I am not eating takeaways…
  8. I am more pain free, due to eating a more healthy diet…

So my mind saying ‘Here we go again’ another big fat failure…Noooo! So I’m not so rigid, not soooo! strict. This is a life style change, to maintain my ideal weight/size in advance. There is no failure. There is just that initial ‘ENPHUSIASM!’ sizzling out. The actual life style change, for life is settling in…

I feel I need the odd ‘enthusiastic’ strict, rigid ‘Diet!’ mode, to keep myself from going backwards & forwards on my weight loss journey. There is no BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Strict! – Rigid! – Determined! – Focused! – Motivated! – Inspired! all the way to X target weight. It is not a straight, level ground sprint to the finish line…

Noooo! My ‘get healthy’ weight loss journey has many meandering paths, some clear & easy going, others a up hill rocky climb, where a machete is needed to hack my way through the under growth, or should I say over growth. Then it leads to the edge of a steep cliff & I’m hanging on for dear life…

I know, what the fanny fart am I on about…

There is no…Start – FAIL! -Stop – Months not being able to start, feeling like a failure – Finally muster up all the ‘New improved’ THIS! IS THE ONE! dieting enthusiasm – Go Go Go Keep Going. fizzle fizzle… ugh! FAIL!

As I said. There is none of that…There is no Start – Stop – Start – Stop…I started 24 years ago, the dieting just set me up to be a fat storing super machine. Now I am giving up dieting. I am eating a more healthy balanced diet. I am eating sweet food in moderation. I am doing as much exercise as I can…

This time next year. I will be slimmer, healthier, have a whole new out look on life, through dropping the habits which kept me fat & caused me to get fatter. If I’m not on a strict, rigid diet regime, I don’t have to stuff my face with all the supposed fattening, forbidden foods…

This time next year, I will be at least 26 lbs slimmer…The healthier I feel, the more pain free I will be, so I will automatically move more. I could be 52 lbs slimmer. Time flies by. Well our perspective of time zooms!!! by…When I look back I will see nothing less then constant, persistent results, be it tiny, or HUGE! Probably somewhere between tiny & big…

Today we are going out to buy some bark for the garden. I am going to be clearing the rubbish I saved to upcycle. Taking up the rotten decking. Attacking the Knott weed. All my plants are going in pots, then the dogs can use the whole garden…

Gawd! I wish that screaming kid, would STOP! the screeching…Ugh! Teach your child that no one wants to hear him/her SCREAM! I taught my kids not to be aggravating to those around them, yet I have to deal with the off spring of people who just allow their child to SCREAM! CONSTANTLY!

My little granddaughter is just learning to SCREAM! We put our hand over our mouth …She stops screaming & looks wide eyed at us…We then show her nicer, quieter noises. She’s only 9 months old, so she does not understand ‘Stop screaming, it is too loud’…

I got a video of her today, sitting in the middle of her mummy & daddy, all three of them dancing, a big grin on her face…So adorable. My daughter was like ‘Look at my fat cheeks, look at my face’…I said ‘would you say that about Phoebe, she looks like you’…She {My daughter} cuddled her & said ‘No she’s beautiful’…As I pointed out ‘I think she is beautiful’…apparently I am biased, because I’m her Mum…

I feel bad that I may of put some of this low self esteem, when it comes to looks, on my daughters. Not that I purposely say these things, but obviously they see me put myself down. I like that my daughters are not conceited, but I wish they could see themselves as I see them ‘Gorgeous in everyway’…

It does make me think more about body image & appreciating what I have got…Mind you, I put my phone/camera on selffie mode, my granddaughter loves seeing herself, it makes her laugh. I accidently turned it on myself. My instant reaction was ‘Ugh! That was scary, then I laughed at my finding myself scary to look at…How bad is that & in front of my daughters & granddaughter. I need to change my reaction to seeing myself….