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Day Twenty Two – Black Sheep Are Actually Lovely In Their Uniqueness!

636102902015374176-1923982722_2573839I don’t know if I feel bad because of my FU**ING! DIET! or that my Mum passed away on this day three years ago. Which makes me feel really F*C**G!!! crappy…Am I crying because I had a poxxy bad diet day, or because my Mum passed away on this day, is my befuddled mind trying to find an excuse…

Last night was a HORRIBLE!!! HORRIBLE!!! night. I WANTED!!! to eat. The NEED! to eat was so urgent, I gave in & ate. Its not like I went crazy. I had one giant cookie. A can of ginger beer & later on I had a slice of buttered bread with jam…Hmmm! A prime example of emotional eating…

So am I using my Mum as an excuse? Or was I genuinely feeling emotional. Maybe I’m just a selfish, heartless bitch! Because I feel anger & resentment & my FRIGGING! cousin goes over board with the tribute to my Mum. It just gets on my Fecking t*ts! FFS! woman. It is my Mum, not your Mum. Have some respect. If it was the other way round & it was my Aunt, who had passed away, I would respect my cousin & not go into…OTT! LOOK AT ME GRIEVING SO MUCH MORE THEN YOU!!!

Sounds selfish? Yep! Maybe…After all my cousin is a tad ‘Dramatic!’ ‘Diva!’…SHE! was diagnosed with PTSD, so I should allow her to constantly be MORE! depressed!…For the last 3 years. I mention my Mum. She is grieving far worse. I mention that I have put pictures up. SHE! HAS PUT PICTURES UP! Its like…Get attention from somewhere else, luv. This is my Mum. I tolerate the ‘MY NAN!’ attitude, when it is our Nan…& our Nan died when she was 5 yrs old, I was 15 yrs old. Do I point out that I knew her for longer & I spent half my childhood with ‘OUR!’ Nan & Granddad…

She named her child after our Nan. She has pictures of our Nan when she was young…& goes on about looking like her…I think I look more like our Nan, because I look like my Dad. My cousin looks like her Dad. Whom she has not spoken to since she was 14 years old, when he left her Mum for their family friend…

I feel resentment to my Family. I am the black sheep of the family…I am really, really so called shy. Basically I grew up hating myself, because I was such a horrendous person…NOT!…When I done my personality test & found out that I was an INFJ…I read up on everything INFJ I could find. I took the test 5 times, 5 different tests to be sure. Just knowing that I am a INFJ, literally changed my life…Apparently INFJ is the rarest personality…Hmmm! Go figure!…Black sheep!

I had a vivid dream about my family last night…Say’s it all…

To my cousin…You lost your Aunty. I lost my Mum. STOP! trying to out do me…EVERY! anniversary of her passing, her birthday, mothers day. Just STOP! It hurts! It makes me feel like crap & is a VERY! HARSH! reminder that the black sheep of the family, was shoved out of the family, for not being a OTT! gushing, needy, dramatic, attention seeking ‘Attention giver!’ So my dear family NEED! the attention. Otherwise NO! attention from them. The close family…NOT!

My Dad’s cousin wife is ok. She reaches out…& when I announced I was going to be a Nana & all my cousin could say, was that my Aunty Kathy will whatever, because I did not tell them. I waited for the immediate family on both sides to know. Like the Mum’s, Dad’s, siblings. My Dad, the other Grandad…Anyway, I for once got snooty about it. I pointed out that I am not part of the family & my immediate family is who I consider my family now…OMFG! DRAMA! My Dad’s cousin wife agreed…My cousin wanted the comments removed…Of course I told her that I was sorry for hurting her feeling’s & that I love her & would not hurt her for the world…

For once people…Just stop & think…That the one you shove out. My Dad included. He is embarrassed by my personality…I decided to bring my children up to love each other & put each other before others…but…not to make the other people in their life feel second best. As my parents kept telling me…”Your children are a credit to you, they are a pleasure to have around”…Yes…Because I ironed out the creases which made my life a living hell & ensured my kids knew that their personality is amazing, they are wonderful. If someone can’t interact with them, because of their quietness, it is the other person’s problem, not theirs…I took it on, was more withdrawn. I literally hated myself…I tried to take my own life…My kids go through that…NO FECKING WAY!!!

The allowing my oldest daughter to be part of their happy family, because she’s autistic, so has an excuse for her personality…My other kids notice this & comment on this. I just tell them how it is…I was brought up to be na├»ve, I went through sh*t! because of that naivety…Was never going to happen to my kids…

The tears are drying up. I am going to put things into perspective, as I do…

You know what. I love black sheep. I love uniqueness. I love the differences in people. I love to read about people. My cousin has issues. I feel for her…but just once, try appreciating that other people have feelings too, its not all about you…

I can just hear my Mum saying “You know what she is like, everything is so dramatic”…

I love my family. I am proud of my family. I just don’t like them & the way they treat me. If they need me to smother them with attention, just to be considered one of them…Hmmm! There lies the problem…

My immediate family is where my heart is…

Ohh! As for those Fecking scales…I weighed 15st2.75lb…Then 15st1lb…Last week I weighed 14st12lb…I’m throwing the **ckers away!

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Posted in Exercise, Fitness Tracker, Food List, Motivation., Uncategorized

Day Twenty – Heart Rate Zone Light To Moderate…

“Woooo!!!” Another successful diet day & it was red wine Sunday. After drinking wine, I just ate my dinner & went to bed. Earlier I was full up from lunch, so I just had a banana. I’m glad I left my dinner to sit there & marinate, because the cauliflower rice was gritty & the lamb chewy. When I re heated it, the cauliflower rice was soft & the lamb more melt in the mouth…

Yesterday was my first day with my new fitness tracker. I set my target at 5k steps. Which meant I done about 45 minutes walking yesterday. I’m a bit concerned about my heart rate, on the heart rate monitor. I’m not expecting it to be 100% accurate, but. I feel it is quite high. Resting is 80-90…I’m sitting here now it is around 75…

I want to learn more about this. I know your pulse rate can go up, if your body is reacting to a certain food. I also know there is such a thing as a ‘burn zone’ whateverthatis…

HeartRateZones

This chart makes more sense. So when I was walking yesterday, walking up hill, carrying shopping, I was doing moderate exercise. When I went for a 15 minute walk to reach my 5k step target, I was doing light exercise…

I’ll stick in the moderate zone for now, I don’t want to over do it, but I will aim to reach the vigorous zone next week. It has only been three weeks since I started out on my weight loss journey. It feels more like three months. I have come a long way…

I’m going shopping now…